IF you dropped an alien in the UK right now, one of the many questions they would likely have is what all the fuss is over the coronation.
Why all the red, white and blue, why does that pen cost £65? Make it make sense please?
Although we’ve previously told how some shops don’t even seem to care about this Saturday, The Jouker has rounded up seven mad bits of merchandise available to those keen to celebrate in a non-traditional way.
Top Trumps
Amid the clothes, the bears and the flags comes a bit of merchandise nobody really expected – Kings & Queens Top Trumps.
The popular card game has long proved a hit with youngsters and has now provided a definitive rating on the monarchs that have ruled over Britain.
Of course, the question immediately on The Jouker’s mind was the categories used to rate each contender.
Number of Scots who care about them? Nope. Number of people even remotely interested in the coronation? That’s a no as well.
Instead, they're rated on age, reign, children and military might before receiving an overall “Top Trumps” rating.
The potential scores of each monarch could make an entirely separate article, but what grinded The Jouker’s gears the most was that King Charles, a man famous for getting angry a at pen, has been given a higher score than King Arthur who, in fairness, at least made things a little bit exciting what with all the sword and stone drama.
READ MORE: Princess Anne: Slimming down monarchy is 'not a good idea'
We even approached the creators for comment on how they came to such a decision but, alas, we’ve yet to hear back.
The clothing
Take a peek at the M&S coronation section and you might need to don your sunglasses lest your eyes be blinded by the red, white and blue you’ll be hit with.
From bucket hats to cufflinks, from hoodies to make-up bags, they've got everything covered.
As with much of this merchandise, we could have devoted a separate paper never mind an article to the sheer level of clothing on sale in honour of King Charles.
Some pieces go bigger than others. While some feature an (admittedly) cute dog holding a balloon, others stray into full Rule Britannia territory.
It’s hard to pick a favourite although M&S’s “fleece Union Jack coronation hooded blanket” does deserve a special shoutout.
Judging from the images, it seems to allow anyone who chooses to buy the ability to stretch their arms out and become one with the flag.
The Jouker guesses it’s intended to serve as the uniform to don if you’re going to “pledge allegiance” to Charles come Saturday.
Cardboard cutout
Don’t just let King Charles reign over the whole country, let him do so over your bed, living room, dining table or dog basket with this cardboard cutout.
Spotted by one of our team in a Sainsbury’s, you might struggle to leave your dinner guests impressed if you leave that sitting out in the house.
The Jouker supposes the argument here is to either go hard or go home. If you’re going to celebrate this waste of time and money then you may as well do it properly.
Sadly, our snap doesn’t quite capture the price it costs to have the monarch reign supreme over your house although let’s face it, this merch could be free and it still wouldn’t be value for money.
Colin
Yes, they’ve got him. Either he’s a life-long royalist or Colin the Caterpillar, so long such an uncontroversial and tasty symbol, has fallen foul to coronation propaganda.
Rather than looking like his usual chocolate self, Colin has now donned several crowns and appears to be covered in several pieces of red, white and blue.
Even Aldi, who of course were famously involved in a bitter feud following a bid to take their equivalent caterpillar, Cuthbert, off the shelves.
“Cancel the crowns. CANCEL THE CROWNS”, the supermarket posted on their Twitter. The Jouker couldn’t agree more.
cancel the crowns CANCEL THE CROWNS https://t.co/TB8No7PKrJ
— Aldi Stores UK (@AldiUK) April 25, 2023
It seems as though Cuthbert, to his credit, has remained a man of the people rather than fawning over an unelected head of state.
Pillbox
On the one hand, fair play. If you’ve got the confidence to sit in the marketing meeting and go, “here me out, pillboxes, but for the coronation”, then that can only be admired.
READ MORE: Coronation clothing is a crime against the planet
Not to do a disservice to what is an admittedly practical little tool, but surely anyone in need of storage for their pills could grab one for less than the £40 being charged for this one.
It turns out that the Royal Collection Shop is home to several pillboxes in case anyone wants to start up a collection.
There’s one to commemorate Queen Elizabeth and another called the “longest reigning monarch pillbox”.
And to top it all of, hold onto your hats because there’s even a limited edition pillbox going for the grand old price of several return flights to Europe at £125.
It sits pride of place alongside a limited edition tankard for £150 and a coronation teacup and saucer for £75.00.
Caviar
Anything. Literally anything goes. The rules have been thrown out the window and seemingly the word coronation has just been fired in front of anything and everything on the supermarket shelves.
Another piece of merch that falls into the coveted limited edition category, this Prunier caviar is available from £90 because that's what most normal people will be eating on Saturday apparently.
Retro 51 Tornado Rollerball pen
Initially upon reading about this piece of merchandise, The Jouker thought it was some kind of toy car.
Charles of course has a history with pens, famously describing one of them as “stinking” during his bid to sign a piece of paper.
It even comes in its own little box just to keep it safe.
Coming in at £65, the pen is supposedly “fit for a king”. The Jouker just hopes those who end up using it have more luck than he did.
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