THIS being my first piece for The National, I wanted to introduce myself and explain why I became involved in politics, why I feel such a duty to consistently push for progress and convey how that can help achieve and shape an independent Scotland.

Then the news broke of the Queens death, so my path of thought took a different turn. Musings I would have liked to have shared were significantly shifted. Perhaps though, this updated version will give insight into my values and perspectives, and I hope to entice you to read more of what’s to come.

I was in the Chamber at the Scottish Parliament when I received the news that the Queen was poorly, and her family had been gathered and felt a wave of concern which took me by surprise, a complex mix of emotions.

The Parliament is where we debate the laws of our land, where our policy is shaped. It is a symbol of our precious democracy. We have seen a shift towards a more progressive Parliament, where lived experience is finally having an impact in law. We have the most diverse Parliament in our history and our progressive debates reflect it although, honestly, I have felt out of place at times finding my feet in a political institution. It’s hard to shake the working-class stereotype that we are never good enough. Imposter syndrome is real, folks.

I headed home to Aberdeenshire, facing my usual three-hour drive. I am always in a state of contemplation at going home to children, house mess and the everyday family stuff after being at Parliament. I don’t know if this adds to the imposter syndrome or is what helps keep me grounded!

As I passed Holyrood Palace, I saw the news vans gathering and people surrounding the gates – eyes on their phones, I presume waiting for news to break. I had put on the radio rather than my usual podcasts to keep abreast and, as expected, news of the Queen’s death was announced soon into my drive.

The tears came and my chest was heavy. I did not expect or even welcome this feeling, but here it was. I felt quite disoriented by it all, confused by grief, so I pulled over at services where I sat for an hour messaging people and catching up with news.

It was a comfort to hear from other republicans that they, too, felt this wave of emotion unexpectedly. I got on my way home again expecting to have some meaningful conversations over the next few days, no doubt reflecting and dissecting the moment of history we just passed through together.

I did have those meaningful conversations over the following couple of days. I saw and heard conflicting thoughts and feelings from opposing views, and some in between. I came to the unsurprising conclusion that we aren’t half complicated creatures and perhaps that’s okay. Sometimes those feelings don’t have a place and we need what could be described as the “random junk drawer” for them, where we know stuff exists, but it doesn’t always look like it should sit together.

What didn’t sit easy for me was being a politically driven person but deciding not to be political at this moment. I believe that to use the death of a person to add weight to a political point while still in the early moments of the breaking news is grim. Some words of others during the radio broadcast disgusted me. I will not take this time to shine a light on the particulars of this, but it is noted, and when the time is right, I will ensure my thoughts on this will be known.

There is a time and a place. I have a great respect for those who have shown restraint and read the room. It takes a lot of strength to be quiet and reflective when emotions are running over, particularly if pressure comes from those on your own political side to be outspoken.

There is a power to be had in reflection before actions and well-thought-out actions when the timing is right can be a considerable force. I would add that I don’t judge some overspilling of emotions. It’s the use of them for leverage I take issue with.

During reflection. I concluded that the Queen is one of the last of the silent generation, those who “kept calm and carried on”. For those of my generation, they are our grandparents. I certainly found myself pondering fond memories of my grandmother, who loved the Queen. My gran was a woman who quietly just got on, she did what she said she would do and respected duty. She would never leave the house without a quiffed 1940s hairdo and red lipstick. American tan tights were also a must.

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She was a working-class woman with grace and class. I loved her and her values, she felt safe and constant – descriptions which many have afforded to the Queen. She looked up to the Queen as an aspiration, not for financial gains, but for faithful obedience to her purpose in this world, a life of duty and service, taking vows seriously. But it is here where I am conflicted – nostalgia is lovely, but enacting that nostalgia in the here and now, we uncover the complex realities of life and it’s really not as “green and pleasant” as we might remember.

The Queen upheld the bridge between then and now, and maybe we realise it’s the end of much more than her reign, and just that, an ending, regardless of beliefs, can be hard to adjust to.

Perhaps that fear of ending is how we have failed to convince some of independence? Something to ponder. As we see historical events continue through this week, I hope you find comfort in what you love. Timing is everything for me, now it is a time just to reflect.

Karen Adam is the SNP MSP for Banffshire and Buchan Coast