A SPACESHIP crash-lands on the lawn at Westminster’s Old Palace Yard. Spooky piano music plays. This extraordinary event has been spotted by a boy on a passing bus. He quickly disembarks and manages to slip past a security guard who’s been dazzled by the extra-terrestrial lights.

An alien being emerges, blinking in shock. She scans her surroundings, clocking a stunning gothic abbey to the west and a derelict eyesore to the east. Our hero – let’s call him Lewis John – whispers: “I will show you where the magic happens.”

Wide-eyed, the visitor steps towards the beautiful landmark, but Lewis grabs her hand and pulls her back, saying: “No, this way – to the Houses of Parliament. ‘Take me to your leader’, right?” He shyly offers his hand, clad in a Boden Fair Isle mitten (£19).

Our duo pass high walls covered in ugly scaffolding before stepping into the creaky old palace. Dusts of stone from a crumbling gargoyle shower down on the alien’s snow-white hair, but fortunately someone has left a Paul Smith signature stripe umbrella (£110) by the door. Lewis gallantly carries it to shelter his companion, sneaking a look at her beautiful, bamboozled face.

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A rumble of voices can be heard from a nearby lobby and the ghostly music starts to build. A pure, sweet voice begins to trill “Money money money, must be funny…” as Priti Patel rushes past in a Max Mara wool trench coat (£670) and LK Bennett ballerina pumps (£179). The alien gazes at her in wonder, reaching out to touch her hem before Lewis grabs her back to hide behind a marble statue.

The alien looks at him quizzically. “This is a hostile environment,” he whispers gently. “And you are not one of us.” She looks crestfallen. “No it’s OK, you can apply for leave to remain. You’ve got identity documents with you, right?” Her lip begins to wobble. “And £800 to fast-track your application?” A single tear rolls down her cheek and Lewis dabs her otherworldly face with a Barbour tartan handkerchief (£21.95 for three).

“Money money money, always sunny…” trills the chanteuse in the background as an MP appears, accepts a brown envelope overflowing with John Lewis gift cards from a man wearing a badge that says “lobbyist”, glances from side to side then sneaks back to where he came from.

A group of staffers wearing Calvin Klein face masks (£15) march past purposefully and the alien turns to Lewis, pointing with alarm to her own mouth. “Oh, there’s a pandemic – a virus going around,” he explains nonchalantly. She recoils in horror and puts her hands over her face. “Oh but it’s alright, don’t worry. The Leader of this House says friends don’t have to wear masks around each other, and we ...” He blushes. “We are ... friends, yes?”

She tugs her turtleneck space-jumper up over her mouth and slips out of the hiding place, almost colliding with a bald Welsh MP wearing a blue Thomas Pink silk tie (£70). In a panic she flees upstairs to the Commons viewing gallery, with Lewis in pursuit.

The MPs are trooping back in from the lobby, amid much animated chatter. “It’s democracy in action!” Lewis declares, edging closer to the alien. “The politicians are voting on standards reform – it’s all very important and exciting.” She looks dubious, not just about the performance downstairs but about the existence of intelligent life on this planet.

“Aha, ah-ah-ah-ahhh, all the things I could do...” warbles the songbird as the MPs take their seats.

“I bought these for my gran but ... would you like one?” asks Lewis, producing a Charbonnel et Walker Union Flag Signature Chocolate & Truffle Selection (£21) from his Cath Kidston backpack (£18). The alien shakes her head and shuffles uncomfortably down the green benches, creating a two-metre distance between them.

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The vote result is announced and the House erupts with cries of “Shame!” “Shameful!” and “Shame on you!” The soundtrack is cranked up accordingly, with the songstress now half-screaming “IF I HAD A LITTLE MONEY!”

“They’ve voted to change the rules,” Lewis shouts across. The alien looks hopeful. “No, sorry, not the immigration rules, the rules that stop MPs from lobbying on behalf of firm that are paying them.”

“IT’S A RICH MAN’S WORLD!” bellows the vocalist as Lewis rubs his sweaty palms on his Levi jeans (£35), realising far too late that there’s no magic to be found in the Palace of Westminster, only sleaze, lies, corruption and utterly shameful behaviour. He’s blown it.

He looks up, and she’s gone.

We cut to the alien darting out of a grand doorway, narrowly dodging more falling masonry, then reaching the yard to find a search team of aliens waiting to pick her up. She pulls her turtleneck down and beams, then we cut to her wistfully regarding Earth from inside the spaceship as it speeds away.

One final “Aha, ah-ah-ah-ahhh” to finish, then the tagline. “Tories – they’re on another planet.”