AFTER 10 long days of self-isolation, FMQs and a cup of tea wasn’t the celebration I had envisaged for my first few days of freedom but I’ll take it. Knowing that afterwards I will be legally permitted to visit my local corner shop to buy a can of Lilt and a share-bag of beef Hula Hoops is a thrill in itself.

Leadership-contender-in-waiting Liz Truss is currently self-isolating after contracting the virus. I wish her a speedy recovery and all the best in her isolation endeavour of training a carrier pigeon to secretly deliver her letter of no confidence to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee.

At Westminster in recent days, there has been a steady flow of Tory MPs announcing that they want to show Boris Johnson the door.

Over at Holyrood, Douglas Ross was anxious to find out just HOW MANY classroom doors Nicola Sturgeon was planning on slaying in the name of Covid safety.

You could tell that this was a totally serious question by the hysterical laughter of his delighted backbenchers.

READ MORE: Why was Douglas Ross talking about chopping the bottoms off doors at FMQs?

“The Scottish Government has had all this time to make our schools fit for use. Why then, are we in the position, after so much time, that one of your government’s ideas to protect kids and teachers is to chop the bottom off of classroom doors?” he asked.

The First Minister, who probably keeps a chainsaw in her handbag just on the off-chance there is a nearby door needing destroyed, said that her government was taking a range of measures to keep schools as Covid-safe as it possible for them to be.

She began to set out those measures when Douglas Ross heckled her to demand answers on behalf of wounded wood everywhere.

Irritated, the First Minister responded: “Douglas Ross is shouting ‘CHOPPING THE BOTTOM OFF OF DOORS’. When you are trying to improve ventilation in a room, there’s a number of things you need to do.”

The National:

She went on to talk about air filtration, mechanical ventilation systems and the like.

“If Douglas Ross wants to have serious discussions about these matters, then perhaps he could start by making sure it’s a grown-up discussion?”

But Ross, who had giggled throughout most of the First Minister’s answer, was on a quest for justice and nothing would stop him.

“I DO want to have a serious discussion about this. This is a GROWN-UP matter and issue” replied Douglas Ross.

“But in a very long answer there, the First Minister couldn’t even bring herself to accept: this is CHOPPING THE BOTTOM OFF OF DOORS.”

WATCH: MSPs told off for shouting down Nicola Sturgeon's pro-independence argument

We get it pal, honestly. You couldn’t have been more clear that you are asking the First Minister about CHOPPING THE BOTTOM OFF OF DOORS. There is no person alive today that could be in any doubt about how much this means to you. If a Scottish government adviser promises to confiscate all of Nicola Sturgeon’s power tools could we please move on to something else?

“This is an absurd line of questioning” replied the First Minister.

“Can I just say first of all, to aid Douglas Ross’ understanding of this, we’re not requiring local authorities to chop the bottom off of every door in every classroom across the country.”

“That’s exactly what a serial-chopper of doors WOULD say” muttered a Tory MSP. Probably.

At this point, the Presiding Officer intervened to say that she was finding it quite difficult to hear Nicola Sturgeon’s answer.

“I’m finding it quite difficult to believe the infantile approach of the Scottish Conservatives to really serious issues” replied the First Minister.