IF you were in the market for a watchdog you wouldn’t opt for Mr Snuffles, Captain Cuddly or Lady McTufty, would you? You’d be thinking more along the lines of Bullseye, Fang or Wolf.

When Lord Pickles began trending yesterday, many people were disappointed to discover that he is, in fact, a human man. And those who have been following the Greensill scandal will have been frustrated to learn that the committee he chairs – the Advisory Committee on Business Appointments – isn’t really a watchdog at all. It’s not even a collie, keeping wayward public servants in check, or a wee terrier that nips at the ankles of anyone behaving suspiciously. At best it’s an Old English Sheepdog that needs a visit to the groomer because its shaggy fringe is obscuring its vision.

The committee is there to offer advice, but only when it is requested. Some people – like departing government ministers moving on to pastures new – are required to seek such advice (though not to act on it), while others – such as civil servants still in top jobs at Whitehall – can take second jobs without so much as an “FYI” email.

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This creates not so much a loophole through which moonlighting mandarins can fire an arrow but a promenade onto which they can park a tank. Everyone knows it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission, but the UK public are not really in a forgiving mood right now, especially when it comes to cronyism, corruption and the handing of mega-bucks contracts to private firms.

It’s bad enough that we’re only finding out about this stuff because David Cameron kept his government chums on speed dial after leaving office and (two years and one month later) taking up a job with the now-defunct financial services company Greensill Capital. It’s even worse that Lord Pickles himself didn’t know the half of it.

He yesterday told the Public Administration and Constitutional Affairs Committee that his eyebrows “raised the full quarter inch” when he heard that in 2015 Bill Crowthers had taken a second job as an advisor to Greensill despite still being head of Whitehall procurement. He is looking forward to receiving an explanation for why this was waved through, pointing out that while double-jobbing among civil servants is not unusual, this (and I’m paraphrasing slightly) seems like it was a total piss-take.

“If Crothers decided he wanted a milk round I don’t think we’d be terribly worried,” he said, “but his particular position in terms of running procurement and working for a commercial organisation is something that requires a full and frank and transparent explanation.” Indeed it does. But dare I suggest that if one has a full-time job that pays £149,000 per year, perhaps that should have one’s full attention? Or does this lead us into the usual dubious territory of claiming “the best people” would shun the civil service if their contracts placed such outrageous restrictions on their extra-curricular activities?

Of course, it is the shady activities of Dodgy Dave that have dominated the headlines in recent days (and by dominated, I mean they’ve been the second story on the news after lengthy confirmations that the Duke of Edinburgh remains deceased). The former Prime Minister certainly wasn’t shy about hitting up his old pals for favours when the pandemic hit, texting Rishi Sunak about loans, having drinks with Matt Hancock to chat about business opportunities and, just for good measure, dropping a line to a couple of Treasury ministers too.

On Tuesday junior minister Paul Scully was sent to answer an urgent question from shadow chancellor Anneliese Dodds, who wanted “to ask the Chancellor of the Exchequer if he will make a statement on the process by which Greensill Capital was approved as a lender for the Coronavirus Large Business Interruption Loan Scheme”.

Scully assured us all that the decision was taken in accordance with the Government’s published guidance on accreditation, with all decisions made independently.

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So I guess that was a “no”, then – Sunak would not make a statement on this. The Chancellor seems shy about addressing the claim that he told Cameron he would push his team to amend emergency loan schemes to suit Greensill and had them meet with the company 10 times. Scully suggested this was because Dodds had asked the wrong question, or asked the right question in the wrong way, so it will be interesting to see if she comes up with something more effective. Might I suggest as a starter: “ ... to ask the Chancellor of the Exchequer to come and explain why he was trumpeting about the success of his loan schemes right up until he decided they were actually nothing to do with him, so we should ask a different department about them?”

Meanwhile, Lord Pickles – who kindly appeared in person rather than pretending this was nothing to do with him – wants to find out if there are any more double agents at the heart of government. Despite the fact that he’s been trying to raise the alarm about a potential second-jobs scandal, and the grey area inhabited by contractors and consultants, even he has been taken by surprise by the discoveries of recent days. The more we learn, the more the plot thickens.

His committee may be lacking bite, but don’t expect Pickles to stop barking about transparency until we know exactly what went on with Greensill lobbying, and how many other glaring conflicts of interest are fresh scandals waiting to happen.