THAT has to go down as the worst and strangest year for the nation since 1988... the year an absolute chancer was born in Dundee. It was a year we saw politicians make more bad decisions than me – both in life and on a football pitch – and let me tell you, that takes some doing.
If you’d told me that Jason, who’s a good, funny guy, was going to be outdone as the biggest joker of the Cummings clan by a wee speccy political advisor I’d never have believed you.
My fellow Dundonian (and chancer) George Galloway made the news recently. This is a guy who is so out of touch with the common man he chose during a national lockdown to not only to attend a Queen of the South game with his family, but to wear the full Queens strip he got for his Christmas and had the cheek to pair it up with his trilby hat.
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By the way, it’s nothing to do with social distancing or the fact he was at a game when normal people and actual fans who pay good money can’t get it in – it’s because I don’t think you could give a Queen of the South supporter the vaccine and a million quid in their hand to go and watch their team play just now.
It has nothing to do with Allan Johnston nor Sandy Clark either, who I think are a right good management team. Any pair who would allow Derek Lyle to go and ruin their sessions must be good types and I was also very impressed by the football on offer from their Dunfermline side when I played against them.
Due to Covid, though, I think their wage budget has plummeted even lower than the Glasgow Times’ one for columnists and with this we have seen a decline in both Queens’ and the paper’s performance on a Saturday.
It’s strange at a time when everyone is feeling lower than my career goal tally, he would choose to go watch Queens for s***s and giggles.
Dode seems like a brass neck and the fact he doesn’t seem apologetic or even slightly embarrassed by his actions doesn’t surprise me – nothing will after his performance as a pussy cat while in the Big Brother house. I only hope Queen of the South can get out the relegation zone as quick as Rula Lenska got the milk out George’s whiskers while on his hands and knees on national television.
While George has brought it upon himself, I do feel for Nicola Sturgeon, who’s been under more pressure than Kevin Kyle’s knees for the past nine months. She’s been trying her best to get the nation through these horrendous times while also trying to keep her appearance up when addressing the nation. When you’re working 23 hours a day, it must be hard to keep up-to-date with Stuart McCall’s latest hairdo for her stop-start visits to the local barber.
Last year was when I was promoted to a coach and given my first taste of authority – no, I don’t know why they let me either – which has seen me struggle to give 18 young people instructions to follow. I do sympathise with Nicola – I can’t imagine what it must be like having to tame millions of them.
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It may come as a bit of a shock to some people that I know a bit about politics but after sitting with Derek Ferguson and Paul Slane during our weekly coupon show, I’ve come to learn a few lessons. Most of them have been about fake tan, teeth whitening and dyeing your hair, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I honestly think if things don’t go to plan early doors at the start of this year, the First Minister should be given a new backroom team with Paul Slane as her second-in-command and Gavin Strachan heading up the Ministry of Defence. I can see Gavin and the great man in the Houses of Parliament with the laptop trying to work out whether to go with a three or four at the back (and sides) of her barnet.
In all seriousness, it’s been a helluva year and for the first time in my life I’ve struggled to get through it.
I know at times this column has been a load of rubbish (as so many of you have kindly informed me on social media) but I do believe that having a laugh and trying to look on the bright side of life is the only way to get through it.
Fingers crossed, it changes soon and we can get back to normality. With any luck, the Glasgow Times’ budget will go back up to a 100 quid a week and there will be a higher standard of columnists. In the meantime, though, I’m afraid you’ll have to make do with me.
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