WHO won the first Rishi Sunak versus Keir Starmer PMQs?

Actually, there’s a more important question.

Did Scots survey the matching pair of Wally Dugs facing off in the Commons and see leadership worthy of the name?

Admittedly, the new Tory leader was unexpectedly bullish – like a boarding school boy keen to conduct his own bare knuckle-fight, lest anyone consider him too geeky for the top job. Clearly this millionaire doesn’t hesitate before inserting the Prada loafer, though the guns-blazing attack did sit oddly with his self-styled – cue the puppy eyes – compassionate conservatism.

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But dearie me. Sunak’s selection of taunts for the Labour leader was as outdated as a Greatest Hits 80s album with faux outrage about his support for Jeremy Corbyn – an ex-leader who’s now ancient history thanks to a leftie-deselecting, picket-line-averse, God Save the King crooning leadership that’s New Labour in all but name. Where has Rishi been?

So Keir Starmer is “soft on crime and backs unlimited immigration”. The PM attempted another fairly ineffective swipe at a politician and former director of public prosecutions whose main problem with working-class voters is precisely his uber-careful, lawyerly demeanour.

“Remember the last election,” shrilled an uncontrollably excited Sunak – “We won and you lost” – followed by a massive cheer from Tory MPs who just weeks ago massively cheered the soon-to-be-kyboshed Liz Truss.

Tory backbenchers were delirious. But will Sunak’s re-heated Punch and Judy routine impress anyone in the embattled real world? Y’know – voters? Isn’t posh-boy game-playing meant to be over?

Sunak has already styled himself as the Tory antidote to all things superficial, sleazy and dishonest. His choice – not ours. So, he must do better than sounding like everything the public – even the Tory-voting English public – has come to know and despise.

He doesn’t.

Challenged by Starmer to save £3.2 billion of taxpayer cash by axing non-dom status (the tax-break his millionaire wife once exploited), Sunak muttered about taking difficult decisions and mockingly applauded Labour for “finally realising that spending has to be paid for”.

Asked if benefits will rise in line with inflation by Ian Blackford, Rishi blethered on about compassionate conservatism (if you’re not sick of it already, you soon will be) before turning his late-night phone chat with Nicola Sturgeon into a patently wobbly attack line about supposedly rising levels of crime in Scotland.

Cue more Tory cheers and proof positive that ignored or patronised, the SNP leader is always on Tory minds.

But perhaps the biggest moment came when Keir Starmer challenged Rishi Sunak over the appointment of Suella Braverman – the most cold-hearted Home Secretary for a generation.

It was a forceful enough exchange (though Yvette Cooper sounded more authentically furious) and the Labour leader asked if officials had voiced concerns about her return. Clearly Whitehall is already leaking like a sieve – and no wonder.

Braverman was apparently known in government as “leaky Sue”.

One Truss ally told Politico: “Suella was sacked less than a week ago for multiple breaches of the ministerial code. She intentionally leaked OBR sensitive information and then lied to the prime minister and the country about what happened. She did not, as she claims, inform officials immediately, but was caught out because she cc’d the wrong person who then informed the chief whip.”

Another Tory source texted: “You can’t leak market sensitive information and be in charge of national security.”

Simon Case, the cabinet secretary, is apparently “livid” about Braverman’s speedy reinstatement after she was sacked – on his advice.

Integrity, professionalism and accountability. Aye right.

But having a go at Suella Braverman over her cynical and unashamed ministerial code-breaking is the easy approach – not the right one.

Yes, her return obviously suggests a quid pro quo – staying as Home Secretary in exchange for her surprising and well-timed backing for Rishi Sunak last weekend, ending Boris Johnson’s hopes of a return to power and prompting fellow ultra-right-wingers to follow her lead.

Yes, her return also means that Sunak has clearly picked up where Truss and Johnson left off. It’s one rule for them – another for everyone else. Who else could endanger national security, break the rules and keep their job, with a wee pat on the back and a three-month severance bonus? Those unapologetic double standards underpinned partygate.

To be fair, there are other arrogant sods in the cabinet line-up too. But the grim presence of “not for turning” Ms B has very serious policy consequences.

It means businesses and the NHS, crying out for skilled labour, can all go swivel – there will be no rolling back on border restrictions or re-entering the single market so long as Suella’s at the Home Office. Even though a recent poll found 61% want to re-enter the EU – ie England too.

And forget having a Home Secretary who takes national security seriously – Suella has immediately tainted Rishi’s cabinet with the worst excesses of ghost cabinets constructed by disgraced premiers of yore.

But none of the above is the worst thing about her. Not even collecting three-months’ severance pay before trotting back into her old job.

Suella Braverman is a hater. She will doubtless soon have others in her sights, but we already know what excites and motivates her. The prospect of terrified refugees being bundled on to a plane and deported to Rwanda. It’s a shame she lived too late for the Scottish Clearances.

Nicola Sturgeon spoke for millions when she countered Braverman’s vision at SNP party conference recently. “My dream is that we live in a world where those fleeing violence and oppression are shown compassion and are treated like human beings” she blasted. “Not shown the door and bundled on to planes like unwanted cargo.”

Precisely.

But did Starmer have the political courage to raise this – the worst, most vindictive, cruel and nightmarish aspect of Braverman’s reappointment? No, he did not. Though minutes later, Blackford did.

So PMQs offered a truly depressing insight into the arid months and maybe years that lie ahead of Scots before a referendum or General Election puts Westminster out of its misery.

Starmer will pull his punches every time the Tories stray into “sensitive areas” like deportations, government-led human rights violations and Brexit – the slow car crash Starmer believes he can get to work.

He cannae. No-one can.

Thanks to this plethora of Starmer “not-spots”, Sunak and his motley team of Johnson retreads will have carte blanche to do what they like.

So Sunak is the continuity Prime Minister – filling his cabinet with folk who facilitated Johnson’s corruption, emulated his empty boosterism and adapted instantly to the vapid, fantasy world of Trussonomics.

But Starmer is also the continuity Leader of the Opposition – unable to mount a robust challenge on strikes, private health care, asylum seekers, migration, staff shortages, austerity, half-arsed trade deals or Truss’s promised bonfire of “EU red tape”.

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This is not a new beginning.

It’s the same old gumming of old irresolvable issues by two parties with every intention of getting elected and thus no intention of acknowledging the deep-seated problems popping up everywhere.

It’s grim – no matter how sweetly Sunak smiles, no matter how often the BBC portray him as an apolitical “safe pair of hands” – and most Scots know it.

“Fiscal prudence” is not neutral. Balancing the books is not neutral. And neither is delivery, when it delivers austerity.

Every choice is political. And politics is about power and priorities – best determined by General Elections and referendums, not an unelected cabal.