‘MY fellow Scots, one of our most cherished memories as a family was watching Sir David Attenborough’s Scottish wildlife programmes shot on location from the wilds of Perthshire. Watching packs of wolves roaming your glens and grizzly bears hunting for fish in the silvery Tay showed us all the variety of life on this our United Kingdom.

“It instilled in me a lifelong love of Scotland and I made a secret vow to myself: ‘Liz,’ I told my younger self, ‘When you become prime minister of these sceptr’d isles, you must ensure that Scotland remains always a valued part of the United Kingdom’.

“As a proud Paisley buddie, I always look for the St Johnstone results on Grandstand every Saturday at 4.45. My assistants know to tell me the score no matter what I’m doing.

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“Today, I fulfil a lifelong dream by speaking to you in Perthshire itself. And, might I say, I’m touched that many of you have turned out in full national dress of Barbour jackets, tweed plus-fours and riding crops.

“As you can see, I’ve had to wrap up to cope with your amazing Scottish elements. It’s absolutely Caspian out there. But at least the vineyards are getting some welcome rainwater.

“Before I begin, I’d like to pay tribute to your Scottish Conservative leader Douglas Murdo. On becoming leader, he courageously called out those enemies within who are always seeking to divide us. And that’s why I’ll be imposing a windfall tax on those affluent Gypsy tax-dodging havens which did so well out of the pandemic. It’ll help put Scotland’s struggling north-east economy back on its feet. Today has been a good day for Britain and Scotland. Wages have fallen by their fastest rate ever, dropping a full 3%, and barely a year after Covid restrictions began to be lifted.

“That represents real progress. Many of those people might not have been alive to see their wages fall if it hadn’t been for the world-class rollout of our vaccines.

“And Britain also now has more billionaires than before Covid. I think this shows how resilient our post-Brexit economy is. Yet if Mick Lynch and his Communist trade unions had their way, these hard-working billionaires would have to start paying their servants and employees more money.

“But consider this: do you think any of these financial titans would have accumulated all that wealth if they’d been forced to spend it on higher wages or were taxed more? Britain must get away from this ‘Take Take Take’ attitude.

“If I become Prime Minister it will be ‘Keep Keep Keep’.

“Keep making money.

“Keep all the money.

“Keep ensuring it falls into the right hands so it doesn’t all get spent on pot noodles and scratchcards.

“That’s why tonight I’m announcing two major initiatives to show that we’re all Better Together.

“Scotland has seen a spectacular rise in food banks in recent years. This is testament to the resilience, industry and ingenuity of those volunteers who keep them going and make them the success story of our times.

“I’m going to privatise all food banks so that hunger, which won’t be going away soon, can benefit the entire nation. I want to build on the success of the food bank movement in Scotland by putting them out to tender and making them more efficient. We’ll also be inviting regional sponsorship bids and encourage a modest profit motive. I want to start making poverty pay.

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“It’s also important to make food banks more diverse and inclusive by introducing luxury items which will incur a small cost imperative.

“By doing this, it will encourage people to go the extra mile in securing well-paid work so that they attain these little opulences. Perhaps we could have a voucher system whereby you’re encouraged not to take any food items on your visit.

“If you forgo any comestibles on 10 successive visits, you would qualify for some Calvin Klein underwear or a bottle of fizz. Let’s make Britain aspirational again.

‘PLUS, I’ve commissioned a group of top Scottish academics to produce ground-breaking and world-leading research which will alter our perception of how to defeat extreme climate patterns. We Scots are a hardy people. Wearing extra jumpers and snuggling up four to a bed in winter. Hunting wolves and bears all day like your ancestors did helped the nation through the energy crisis in 1973 and kept everyone warm.

“I also aim to make Scotland a tax haven where investors won’t be taxed a penny and no questions will be asked of the origins of their money. This should lead to an increase in international flights and large hotels as well as golf courses and shooting estates.

“My government will work with the people who brought us Dolly the Sheep to bring us other wildlife clones like Patrick the Partridge, Gordon the Grouse and Daphne the Deer so that Scotland’s wild open spaces are always well-stocked and keep delivering for the UK’s wealth creators.

“It’s important going forward that each part of the United Kingdom feels valued under my administration. So I aim to hold a monthly half-hour surgery with Nicola Sturgeon where she can put her concerns to me personally. She’ll also be permitted a monthly 15-minute phone chat with me on a special 0845 number. All calls will be charged at the minimum rate.

“The separatist press and media in Scotland deliberately misreported my comments earlier this month about ignoring Nicola and that I’d called her an attention seeker.

“What I meant – and well they know it – is that I want to help Nicola to be the best leader she possibly can be by ignoring her so that she can be left to get on with the day job without interference from me.

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“I also hear a lot of noise from the nationalists about getting rid of our nuclear detergent from the River Tay. This will never happen on my watch. I fully expect the war in the Ukraine to escalate to the point where there will be a nuclear showdown between Vladimir Putin and the West.

“It’s important that we demonstrate to this psychopath that the countries on the UN Security Council won’t hesitate to sacrifice strategic parts of our territory in the fight against his aggression. It’s a mark of how much Scotland is valued that she has an important frontline role to play in any nuclear Armageddon.”