MONDAY

ALL the advisers have been called to a meeting to do a group “bonus-ball” on our Covid messaging. Those whose ideas are chosen are rewarded by being allowed to sit in the first three rows of the next Party conference when Nicola gives her keynote speech.

Damian at Housing and Local Government became a social media sensation in 2016 with his bespoke Rossi & Bettega tie from Jinks on the High Street and got invited on to Off The Ball with Tam Cowan and Stuart Cosgrove. Clara at Education has been struck at how graphics portraying the new Omicron strain resemble Ferrero Rocher chocolates. “Perhaps we could use this to our advantage,” she says.

“We could film people taking a Ferrero Rocher chocolate from a large pile of them on the table at a Christmas party in a fancy country house. Then we would cut to people collapsing and dying as the chocolates are opened and revealed to be not chocolates but the Omicron variant. “The slogan could be something like: ‘People were dying to get into the Ambassador’s parties. This Christmas make sure they’re not dying to get out.’ For a few moments there is silence before Big Tam at Agriculture shouts: “Haw, Clara, sweetheart. Have you been on the Don Revie?”

We’ve been joined for the occasion by Andrew Wilson from Charlotte Street Partners, our secret lobbying specialists who are on a £200k-per-annum retainer for their troubles.

Andrew’s a lovely chap but he drops so many names into even the briefest conversations that he’s known around the building as “Windfall”. “It’s important that we keep all of our partners in the private sector sweet, especially as their profits will be hit badly by the Covid.

“Why only last week I was chatting to Sir Tom Hunter during one of our weekly Zoom sessions. Sir Tom told me he’s had to ditch plans for a leadership spa to be built on the shores of Loch Ness using wood from the nearby Caledonian Forest and scented mineral bath infusions specially imported from artisan farmers in Kathmandu. ‘We all have to make sacrifices’, Sir Tom replied. And you know what, I heartily agreed with this towering titan of global industry.

“We’re facing an Omishambles.

“Anyway, back to my idea. I think we should establish a working group and break into our thinking pods to investigate the possibility of seeking sponsors for each fresh new Coronavirus variant. Instead of the Delta Strain or the Kent variant or the South African mutation we could have the RBS strain or the Virgin Atlantic variant or the Unilever mutation.” He finishes with a flourish.

Again there are a few moments of silence before Stella at Net Zero, Energy and Transport dares to voice what everyone else is thinking.

“It’s a beguiling idea, Andrew; it really is and indicative of your fecundity of ideas. But don’t you think that maybe some firms might perhaps be a little reluctant to be associated with a lethal pandemic?”

“Ah, but that’s the schtick, Stella. All of our business partners would use their sponsorship of the Covid mutations as a way of telling the world the steps they’re taking to care for their staff and customers and, you know, protect the NHS.”

We all decide to shoot it down the tunnel of curiosity and pass it through the wind-chute of innovation for further discussion.

TUESDAY

WELL, it looks like Christmas, if not outright cancelled, is being severely downgraded. The annual journalists’ jamboree was due to go ahead tonight with a full turnout expected after last year’s cancellation. Now there’s some doubt.

Some have been caught on the hop as they had started drinking at 11am to get a few stiffeners in before the main event. Hutcheon at the Record believes he may have come up with a compromise.

“If enough of us could show that we’d started drinking just before the First Minister’s announcement and then carried on through it and after it then we could safely say that we had held our drinks party prior to the request not to have more than three households.”

There’s broad agreement and the Bacchanal continues uninterrupted.

WEDNESDAY

WE have a problem. The Sun has got hold of footage of the Westminster Chuckle brothers, alas Smith and McDonald having drinks at the UK Joint Chiefs annual fancy-dress charity ball. On the tape you can clearly here someone saying: “Look, don’t worry about your nukes. We’re actually developing plans to expand Rosyth into a sort of submarine parking facility for the western alliance complete with a five-star hotel; health spa and a state-of-the-art, sail-in submarine wash facility. It’ll create lots of jobs in the hard-hit hospitality sector and keep us sweet with the EU.”

W the actual F.