HO ho ho! Ho ho ho-ld on a minute, Santa, what exactly are you laughing about? I hope you’re being careful not to chortle within earshot of Douglas Ross, as you run the risk of ending up on his naughty list.

No, not because your belly laughs are an Omicron transmission risk, but because your stance on environmental issues is harmful and hurtful to people employed in the North Sea oil sector. Is that a laughing matter to you, Santa? Do stop grasping your belly and rocking from side to side.

Before you start up that ho-ho-ho-ing again, perhaps you’ll reflect on your actions in bragging about your eco-friendly reindeer fuel, your recycled presents or your switch to a plant-based diet. How many elves have you made redundant so far this financial year? And is the collapse of the mince pie industry a joke to you?

If you’re not careful, the leader of the Scottish Conservatives will be calling for your resignation. That’s a danger these days, when you laugh at the wrong moment. You can get away with a lot – breaking rules and breaching trust, as well as breaking and entering via chimneys – but god forbid you hahaha or teeheehee at the wrong moment, especially if there’s a camera rolling.

WATCH: Nicola Sturgeon takes Douglas Ross to task over the future of oil and gas

Conveniently the cameras weren’t actually on Nicola Sturgeon yesterday when she supposedly “joked and laughed” about Patrick Harvie’s remark that only “hard-right extremists” backed future drilling in the North Sea (itself perhaps a little joke aimed at Murdo Fraser, who called the Scottish Greens “hard-left extremists” back in June). We’ll just have to use our imaginations when it comes to this alleged joking.

Perhaps the FM and Finance Secretary Kate Forbes formed a double act to highlight the sheer absurdity of this week in politics. “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “I’m here for the Christmas party” “What Christmas party?” “What Christmas party?” “The one you just mentioned” “No I didn’t” etc etc.

Oh, how everyone chortled. Possibly. Maybe they didn’t. I’ve been repeatedly assured that this didn’t happen at FMQs, so as far as I’m concerned that’s the case closed. If the press won’t let it lie I’ll have Rudolph carry out an independent investigation – he’s got a nose for scandals involving mass mockery.

Oddly enough, the MSPs weren’t very impressed to hear Detective Dougie of the laughter police charging the First Minister with crimes against decency. Only days ago he was assuring us that his role as Scottish Tory leader is “totally independent from the UK Government, from the Prime Minister, from the UK party”(!) and yet somehow here he was – totally independently – alighting on a policy of deflecting attention away from his own position by lambasting a woman for laughing.

You do almost have to admire the extraordinary mental gymnastics required to suggest that those who organised the December 18 Downing Street party, attended the party, ate, drank and were merry at the party should get off scot-free while a woman who didn’t attend but awkwardly laughed about it a few days afterwards must regret her remarks for the rest of her days.

Speaking of Allegra Stratton, she still hasn’t learned, has she? She didn’t want to make light of the rules, she tells us. She didn’t want to be a distraction in the fight against Covid. I tell you what, hen, you could make a start by carrying a packet of pocket tissues about your person. The only thing worse than listening to your mortifying display of snivelling self-pity was the distraction of listening to you repeatedly sniffing snot back up your nasal passages.

Many have expressed sympathy for the former Downing Street press secretary, correctly noting that she’s been made the fall guy here, but it’s notable that a) she is in fact the fall gal and b) she was sacked from that job last spring, and her latest gig ended weeks ago. You’ll notice none of the men involved in the top banter about the illicit Christmas party have had to resign, despite chortling along as Stratton fumbled her effort to defend the indefensible. Johnson now seems to be expecting people to believe that he had never seen that video until it became public this week, indeed never knew about the non-existent party that his staff were conspiring to cover up. Is he having a laugh? No, she was, so she is the villain here. See how this works?

READ MORE: FMQs sketch: Douglas Ross must have been dreading today – and it shows

I suppose it’s to Stratton’s credit that bare-faced lying doesn’t come naturally to her, but you do wonder why on earth she was ever considered suitable for a role that involved giving slippery statements on behalf of the country’s best-known truth-twister. I imagine her status as the wife of the political editor of The Spectator and godmother to Rishi Sunak’s children had absolutely nothing to do with it, but I’m pretty sure she won’t be down at the Jobcentre come Monday.

At least she managed to select the correct emotional setting for the occasion, even if only because she was mourning the double loss of her credibility as a journalist and her Downing Street pay cheque. Never let us forget the extraordinary scenes when laughing boy Hancock pretended to be overwhelmed with emotion at the start of the vaccination rollout but failed to wipe the smirk off his face. Thanks to strategic leaks of CCTV footage, we now have a good idea why.

Might the Downing Street mole come up with the goods one more time, and provide proof of exactly who partied where and when? Maybe there’s still a chance the voters will have the last laugh.