PERHAPS we need to be re-thinking this self-determination malarkey. Who knew that Scotland, if it becomes independent, will be added to that axis of evil that George W Bush and Tony Blair told us was threatening world peace? We’ll leave aside for the moment that you are considered evil if you want to possess nuclear weapons without the permission of the US.

Doesn’t really matter that America and the UK – its eternal geopolitical footstool – are two of the most belligerent and aggressive nations on earth. Or that their favourite pantomime evildoers don’t actually have a recent record of invading other countries; subverting their sovereignty and draining them of all their natural resources before causing general regional mayhem when they decide they’ve done enough damage and it’s time to leave.

Or that the last US president was so psychologically unstable that just by his knowing the nuclear firing codes meant that the hands of that big doomsday clock were permanently hovering at or around one minute to midnight between 2016 and 2020.

I’ve never actually heard the presidents of North Korea, Russia or China say that they’ll “begin bombing in five minutes” as another US president, Ronald Reagan, joked in 1984. Admittedly, I’ve met very few citizens of these countries – or Iranians and Iraqis. But those of them I have encountered over the years tend to be quite serious about wanting to preserve world peace.

READ MORE: Ben Wallace fails to rule out cuts to number of troops in Scotland

The phrase “nuclear deterrent” was coined by the apologists of mass destruction to justify spending billions on them. But when you’re North Korea and feel that the deterrent could work for you in the same way too you suddenly see the goalposts being shifted.

The nuclear deterrent, of course, is nothing of the kind. Rather, it should be called “the nuclear threat”. Thus, if you decide that you don’t like a dodgy regime that coincidentally possesses vast natural resources, you can violate its sovereignty knowing that having a few hundred nukes up your juke tends to subdue any foolish thoughts of retaliation.

In the age of 19th-century imperialism this was called Gunboat Diplomacy. If you encountered some understandable resistance by weaker nations whom you wanted to chisel and bully you simply sent a few warships to loiter off their coasts.

Now, it seems that Scotland is in the crosshairs of the UK and its axis of virtue. The British Defence Secretary has said that Scotland would be “definitely

more vulnerable” to terrorism threats if it became independent. This is because we would “lose access to vital shared intelligence”.

The UK Defence Secretary is Ben Wallace. This chap has spent much of his otherwise unremarkable political career modelling himself on those feckless, 19th-century military aristocrats whom Major Richard Sharpe and the 95th Rifles always had to overcome before getting a crack at Napoleon. Wallace is one of those clipped military fetishists who, when he turns up at social events, everyone else double-checks their invitations to see where it said you had to come in fancy dress.

If Brigadier Wallace really does think an independent Scotland would be a threat to the security of the realm there’s one obvious answer, have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, it might then be a good idea to, you know … share your intelligence with us? That might be a good place to start. Just saying, like.

Did it not occur to the brigadier that by actually telling everyone you won’t be sharing intelligence with your closest neighbours you might just be giving those sinister axis of evil types a few ideas?

“Haw, Boris! Did you hear that the Brits are cutting Scotland out of the military intelligence loop?”

“You’ve got to be having a smehk.”

“Naw it’s true.”

“Right, let’s start activating a few more of them bots to start agitating for Scottish nezavisimost.”

Wallace virtually sent an invitation to the Russians to fill their boots in the event of independence. He went on to add that Scotland would be more open to Russian aggression if Trident was removed from the Faslane base on the Clyde.

This buffoon, in the great tradition of the British officer class, was clearly channelling his inner Captain Mainwaring from that Dad’s Army classic when the Home Guard encounter those dastardly German invaders.

“Your name vill also go on ze list. Vot is it?

“Don’t tell him, Pike.”

Having embarked on this delusion there was no stopping Brigadier Wallace. Russia, he claimed, was meddling in the independence debate by stirring up feelings of divisive nationalism all over Europe. If I were being uncharitable here I’d say that I’m glad someone is meddling in the Scottish independence debate, because there sure as hell ain’t any signs of meddling in it coming from the SNP leadership. But I’m in a charitable mood today, so I’ll refrain from such scurvy observations.

​READ MORE: Ben Wallace: Army won't assist Scottish NHS for 'policy failing'

By this stage the Brigadier was on a roll, suggesting that Scotland benefited from the heft (his word; not mine) of Britain’s work on countering terrorism through its “global embassy network”. If the bureau chiefs in Britain’s overseas embassies are anything like Brigadier Wallace I’d be questioning anything they told me. A good starting point would be to assume that anything they know, the Russians probably know too. Probably even planted it.

Said Wallace: “The scale of the Foreign Office that you need to reach global terrorism, means that on your own you would be lesser and [less] able therefore to share intelligence.”

And get this: “Without intelligence, you are definitely more vulnerable.” How true. Brigadier Wallace is the living, walking embodiment of this.

Being still of a charitable disposition, I’ll offer this advice to the brigadier for free. If you really think we’re more vulnerable without intelligence, sir, then why not just, you know, share that intelligence with us? In return I’m sure we could let you know about any strange characters hanging about Holyrood wearing dark glasses; soft hats and big brown overcoats.

And we’ll post a few extra agents around that third floor office in Argyll Street (aye we know where it is) just to give you some added “heft” in your fight against terror. Mon the MI5!

READ MORE: Ben Wallace: Alex Salmond ‘didn’t need to go on RT’ after Westminster

If I were Nicola Sturgeon I’d be more than a little alarmed at Brigadier Wallace’s fantasies. Independent or not, Scotland’s national security isn’t being threatened by those sinister Russians and those shifty Chinese. Rather, the threat would seem to lie much closer to home.

When Brigadier Wallace next shows his face up here I’d be inclined to have him in for questioning. Best have the Official Secrets Act handy too. This indiscreet loudmouth might require to be reminded of its contents.