HOW difficult, I wonder, would it be to sell the case for the United Kingdom now in an alternate reality where Scotland never signed up for the Acts of Union in 1707?

Were an activist for the No campaign to be plucked from our plane of existence and thrown into another, I suspect they would find convincing an autonomous Scotland to put itself in our position to be a fool’s errand.

It’s hard to say what that second Scotland would look like, separated from the violent wealth that came from our bloody, colonial role in the British Empire – but even setting that aside, it surely wouldn’t be an easy argument to make.

To misquote The Proclaimers, I don’t think they would understand why we let someone else have so much power over the decisions we make – particularly when our values are so often unaligned with those of Britain’s political elites.

But let me sell you our contemporary Union all the same.

First, we’ll split out what you can and can’t have a say on. After all, there are times when it makes sense to cede a little power for the greater good.

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On the issue of climate change it’s actually necessary that different countries work under a unified strategy to reduce carbon emissions. Pollution doesn’t magically stop at the Border, after all, and in this area the inaction of others has a profound impact on all our lives.

Of course, that’s not how we’ll approach it. That wouldn’t be the British way. Instead we’ll formulate a Frankenstein-style mish-mash of compromises guided far more by the political egos of our negotiators than any sense of practicality. A little bit of power here and there, but never enough to wander too far. And whatever decisions we deign to allow Scotland can still be overridden when we need to throw our weight around a little.

After all, local decision-making can be no match for the so-called UK single market, a banal exercise in rhetoric that we’ll use to justify Westminster’s grasping overreach into devolved areas.

Just know that our constant blurring of the lines of devolution is only because we want what’s best for you! That’s why, for the vast majority of the time, you’ll have the privilege of living under successive Conservative governments that you don’t vote for – and we’ll also be reducing the number of Scottish parliamentarians present at Westminster itself.

I suppose you can take some comfort in knowing that it’s so unlikely that Scotland’s voting decisions can have any meaningful impact on who forms the next UK Government that losing a few more MPs will make no tangible difference in your lives.

And can I get some excitement for nuclear weapons? Sign up today, and we’ll store our full nuclear arsenal not too far from your largest city. The further away from us the better, frankly. Don’t think of it as an expensive war crime waiting to happen, but instead, as your friendly neighbourhood deterrent that will occasionally be spotted on day trips around the country.

Now, you might have heard that Britain is sliding into a brutal winter on the back of major fuel and labour shortages, but we’d like to assure you that thanks to the broad shoulders of the UK, that could only have ever been part of our plan to take full advantage of our handling of leaving the European Union, which you also didn’t vote for.

You should know, though, that it’s not all benefits. There’s a good bit of give and take in every relationship, and everyone makes mistakes – like when we handled the pandemic so poorly that it was branded one of the greatest public health failures in Britain’s history.

But take stock in the fact that England is set to once again return to power those same politicians who slid Covid contracts to their best friends while it was happening.

We also have one of the worst state pensions on the planet and, sitting on the edge of catastrophic climate change, we will be maintaining a policy of maximum oil and gas extraction while stymieing the critical infrastructure needed for Scotland to take full advantage of the frankly ludicrous renewable energy potential it has for a country of its size.

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But I haven’t told you about the best bit: the Union dividend! Spending per head of population will be higher in Scotland than other parts of the UK.

And yes, this will be achieved through the kind of taxation and borrowing that Scotland could technically undertake entirely on its own, but we’ll make sure that everyone thinks that England is subsidising you all the same, so you can be constantly reminded of your place in the United Kingdom.

And if that’s not your bag, don’t worry. You can always vote out the Tories at the next election! Well, not you, actually. You don’t really have a say. And even if you did vote some of our friends out, we’d probably just give them a seat in the House of Lords …

But seriously, it’ll be worth your while. So can I count on your support?