MONDAY

I’VE been tasked with hosting a webinar for all ministers on how to interpret and deploy football terminology. The PM sees England’s success at the Euros as an opportunity to connect with people, especially in the Red Wall constituencies where, we’re told, it can be a matter of death.

I start off with a few basics. The PM often talks of how he didn’t know where to put himself at one of Silvio Berlusconi’s bunga-bunga parties in Milan a few years back. Signor Berlusconi introduced him to a young woman called Lucrezia who “likes to play with two up top” and who always wants to “get the ball into the penalty box as quickly as possible”. “So, Lucretia, um, you’re a game-show enthusiast,” the PM had said. “I just wish I knew more about the language of football.” I tell them that football was invented in England and that it’s the world’s most popular sport.

However, we’ve never won anything since 1066 mainly because the referees usually tend to be foreigners and our opponents are mainly Mediterranean and Latin types who fake injuries to get our boys sent off.

And that the Germans always beat us because they snatch gifted boys off the streets and force them to play football all day in secret detention camps so that they become high-performing automatons and win lots of World Cups.

“So, it’s rather like that Gregory Peck movie, The Boys From Brazil when they rear scary-looking young chaps to take over the world,” says Monsignor Rees-Mogg.

TUESDAY

SCARY Patel is euphoric that her proposals to use “reasonable force” to detain asylum-seekers in the Channel have not been met with much opposition by the, er, opposition. Buoyed by this, she’s sent a rather eye-watering memo to all Home Office staff which has been leaked to The Guardian.

“I think we must now turn our attention to anyone we suspect of being an illegal on the streets of Britain. So I want to establish a special ‘Stop and Ask’ police force who will have power to apprehend dodgy-looking types and hit them with on-the-spot questions about British history. If they get the answers wrong they’ll immediately be detained and then sent for processing before being sent back to France.

“Please furnish me with any suggestions for topics that we could ask them about.”

She then helpfully provides three examples of her own.

“King Harold had his eye taken out at the Battle of Hastings. Name the French archer who shot the fateful arrow.”

“Recite one of Shakespeare’s sonnets in full.” And then, my favourite: “Britain has a strong military history. In reverse order name the 10 oldest regiments of the British Army.”

WEDNESDAY

REPORTS are coming in that many of the main newspaper titles across the EU are asking their readers to provide questions to ask UK-citizens resident in their country. The German newspaper Bild carries a poster front page featuring a picture of Olaf Thon scoring the decisive penalty for Germany against England at the 1990 World Cup. “Was ist der name dieses mannes?”

Le Figaro in France has a similar front page with a photograph of a pot of Cassoulet. “Nommer tous les ingredients, matey!”

In Italy, La Repubblica carries a front page picture of Luciano Pavarotti with a banner heading. “Canta tutti i versi di Nessun Dorma!”

Our embassies are being inundated with calls from worried ex-pats.

THURSDAY

I TAKE a rather odd call from Murray Foote, the SNP’s jocund press wallah. “Please pass on the congratulations of the Sottish people on beating Denmark last night and our best wishes for the final on Sunday,” he says. And then this: “Could you inform the PM that the First Minister would be agreeable to all public buildings in Scotland carrying a large Union Jack if England do the business.” He then stresses that any conversations must be on an off-the-record basis. It’s jolly decent of him, but something in his tone makes me think that all may not be as it seems.

FRIDAY

WE have a problem. The Daily Mirror has an exclusive front-page splash carrying details of a WhatsApp conversation between a senior UK politician (whom it chooses not to name) and a 20-something ballet dancer from the Bolshoi Company.

“I very much appreciated you coming round last night and giving me a private dance from the Nutcracker Suite. Your portrayal of Odette from Swan Lake was I thought, very intense, enchanting and spiritually uplifting.

“I will be heading a trade delegation to Moscow before Christmas where I very much hope we can renew our acquaintance. Perhaps you could do a little private shimmy for me of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. It will help enhance our two great nations’ cultural understanding of each other.”