DEAR Ms Scotland,

Thank you for your interest in joining our exclusive dating agency. I note that you submitted your Union Love application way back in September 2014, so please accept my full apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Frankly, we’ve had better things to do.

As you know, we pride ourselves on choosing the best match for our clients. To this end, we are excited to introduce you to your new partner.

I’m not sure if you have had the chance to read our full terms and conditions – as they are not on our website or our paperback brochure entitled “The Vow” – so I’ll take the opportunity now to make you aware of a few key points.

1. This letter is your formal acceptance into Union Love. The match we have chosen for you is legally binding, and you will be married in late July.

2. You are entitled to a divorce at any time of your choosing, but you must apply to us in writing one year in advance and set out your reasoning. Note: dissatisfaction, loss of earnings, removal of rights or finding your new husband a massive turn-off are NOT valid reasons for separation.

3. Your Union will be celebrated in Westminster hall. We cannot guarantee any future visits, as our client is of the belief that his pounds are much better spent in Croydon.

Now we’ve got the formalities out of the way, let me introduce your new spouse!

The Rt Hon Boris Johnson (Esq, MP, T.W.A.T) is a man of impeccable breeding and intellect. He has many talents, such as the ability to change his political beliefs and principles dependent on which audience he is speaking to at the time. His famous blonde hair is all his own and a crucial part of his brand. As such, you should avoid touching it without prior agreement.

Although he doesn’t believe in monogamy, he does show great appreciation of the beauty of whoever he is courting at the time. With your historic glens, lochs and mountains, you are sure to keep his attention, however briefly. Upon reviewing your application pack, Boris expressed delight at the revenues generated by your food and tourism industries, though he does have a few reservations about your personality, which it would be helpful if you could work on. Namely, your propensity to “uppity whining” which he finds both unattractive and politically inconvenient.

READ MORE: Boris Johnson avoids prosecution over £350m Brexit campaign claim

In our experience, our matches prefer docile and agreeable partners – so perhaps rather than speaking you could do something more productive, like eat your cereal?

All relationships have their challenges, and if we could give you one piece of advice going forward it would be this: lower your expectations. If you go into this new relationship with no pre-conditions or romantic imaginings of mutual respect, kindness or fairness, then you can’t be disappointed.

Having joined Union Love, you should now work on forging a sense of gratefulness for the opportunity we have afforded you.

Boris Johnson has had a distinguished career. He was Mayor of London and only got stuck on one high-wire during this time. He has also previously held one of the great offices of state, as Foreign Secretary. During his tenure he showed great skill in only contributing to one innocent woman being jailed. He also offended fewer than 15 heads of state, so all in all, it was a great success.

Like many men of his status, he does have a quick temper. When you receive your full Match Pack, you may notice that he once tried to get a journalist beaten up. Union Love would like to make clear that he was a mere adolescent at that time and by all accounts, the journalist in question probably deserved it anyway.

Introducing friends and family to your new love is an important part of any new relationship. We are sure your nearest and dearest will love Boris but remember that some people are bitter and lonely. They might attempt to dissuade you from your new match by pointing out disparaging statements he has made about - but not limited to – the following:

  • Black people
  • Chinese people
  • Muslims
  • Liverpudlians
  • Papua New Guinea
  • You

Our advice is to ignore the naysayers and don’t invite them to the wedding.

If, for whatever reason, Mr Johnson is unable to become your new life partner, please rest assured we have many eligible suiters on standby.

Mr Dominic Raab, who is a proper feminist and even puts his own pants in the washing basket.

Mr Michael Gove, who is from your neck of the woods and looks GREAT in a kilt.

Mr Sajid Javid, who would make a fine, a firm and unfair husband.

Thanks once again for your application, we are so happy to play our part in making your dreams come true.

Please send all future correspondence including thank you gifts to:

Union Love

P.O Box 1707

Hustlers Alley