I DON’T drink alcohol. I don’t smoke the whacky baccy. But this week in British politics almost makes me wish I was nursing a bottle of single malt and inhaling a huge spliff made from some of the finest hydroponically grown weed.

Then I’d be anaesthetised from the full horror of it all. Dear gods, these people are woeful. You look at the Conservative benches in the Commons, noticing that something is missing apart from their souls and their ability to see themselves in a mirror, and you realise that you’re wondering why they don’t all have ravens perched on their shoulders squawking “It’s the will of the people” with demonic red eyes.

Theresa May is utterly rubbish at her job. It’s her own fault that she’s in this mess. She chose not to listen to Remainers, she chose not to listen to Leavers. She chose not to listen to Northern Ireland. She chose not to listen to Scotland. There are tin wind up monkeys banging drums which are better at listening than she is, and which do a better impression of a human smile.

When Theresa May talks it’s like her lips aren’t in sync with what comes out of her mouth. This is because what comes out of her mouth bears very little relation to what’s actually happening in the real world and she’s being dubbed by a bad voiceover artiste who can only remember the lines “Nothing has changed,” and, “I’ve been very clear.”

She is assisted in her delusions by a bunch of swivel eyed ideologues, mad chancers on the make, liars, hypocrites, fools, and the permasmug Michael Gove.

The best she was able to produce after more than two years of negotiating with the rest of the Conservative party is a vague and shoddy non-deal that promises nothing but endless haggling. This is a Prime Minister who wants to sell the reduction of the rights and freedoms of British citizens as some great victory.

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On Tuesday the Government went down to three defeats in a row. It became the first government ever to be found in contempt of Parliament, and Theresa May lost control of the final Brexit process. It was an utter Theresaster. The last time that Westminster got itself into such a mess they ended up getting the Dutch to invade and we ended up with Orangeism. None of this bodes well.

The National:

Jeremy Corbyn has failed to capitalise on Theresa May's many mistakes

Then the following day at Prime Minister’s Questions, Jeremy Corbyn didn’t see fit to mention any of it. When I lived in London, many years ago, I took the dogs I had then for an early morning walk across the common opposite my house. Looming in the morning mist there was a great big grey shape ahead of me. I couldn’t work out what it was until it was sharp and in focus. It looked like an elephant. But it couldn’t be an elephant. Only it was an elephant. A circus had set up camp overnight on the common. I didn’t realise that the shape was an elephant until there could be absolutely no doubt that this was in fact an elephant, because you don’t expect to see elephants in an East London park of a December morning. Jeremy doesn’t see the elephant of Tory disarray on Brexit even though he’s got a front row seat. His fog is a fog of his own creation. It’s the fog of his ideological blindness.

Still, at least Corbyn has a strategy and he’s not going to be budged from it. It’s just a pity that his strategy consists of getting a General Election in which he can campaign without saying anything much about Brexit, because elephants.

He can, at least in his dreams, win the election and become responsible for Brexit while the actual Tories sit on the sidelines blaming Labour for the disaster. Then he can vanish from the political scene to become an elder figure of the Labour movement who’s held up as a saint who was betrayed by the capitalist establishment. Meanwhile the rest of us will be left with the consequences of his failure, trodden down by the Tory elephant.

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Back in the real world, faced with the most incompetent, hapless, and useless government in living memory, Labour still can’t pull ahead of the Conservatives in the opinion polls. If there is to be an early General Election, the Conservatives are quite likely to win it. They’re especially likely to win it if they ditch Theresa and come to the country with a shiny new leader enjoying a honeymoon period in the press.

The so-called People’s Vote isn’t likely to help much either. Suppose they get a second referendum, what then? What question will be asked? What options will be on the table? No one knows.

The Brexiteer ravens will scream betrayal of the people’s will. There will be even greater focus on immigration. The far right will be emboldened. And there’s no guarantee that Remain will win because they can’t offer those who voted for Brexit because they were disenchanted and disabused any vision of a better future. If by some miracle remain does win, those same people who are now begging for a second EU referendum and who want the support of the SNP will go back to telling Scotland that an independence vote means leaving the EU. Whatever happens, British politics will be poisoned by the demonic ravens of English nationalism for decades to come.

The reality is that those in favour of a second referendum just want Brexit stopped and a referendum is the only way they can see that might do that. But if Scotland votes to remain and England votes yet again to leave, what then? What happens if Scotland’s remain vote is the decider? The howls of outrage and anger from the English nationalists will drown us all in spittle flecked venom.

British politics are broken and can’t be fixed. They’ve been broken by those who proclaim their love of Britishness. There’s only one clear route out, and that’s for Scotland to ensure it has a people’s vote of its own irrespective of what happens elsewhere in the UK. Brexit isn’t our mess. We can, we must, walk away from it.