Kevin McKenna has obtained a leaked copy of the speech Gordon Brown plans to give the morning after Scotland votes for independence ...

MY dear comrades,

Please accept my apologies for not being able to address you all in person. I have opted instead to be with you virtually via the joy of videolink. You may think my surroundings look rather Spartan and you’d be right. Sarah and I have been busy constructing a bunker in our back garden for a day we hoped and prayed would never come. And it’s from this that I now speak to you. Of course we, um, we um … we never actually constructed it ourselves … ha ha; I called in some local construction workers from a reputable British firm with a Union Jack in its logo: British um, jobs for British um, workers; that’s what I’ve always said.

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That day we hoped we’d never see dawned yesterday as Scotland voted wretchedly for independence, or rather voted for an apocalyptic nightmare without end that make the um, make the um, torment of the lost souls in Dante’s Inferno look like an, um, an um … a night out with the, um, Chuckle Brothers. And let me tell you this, my dear brethren and sistern, there will be nary a chuckle heard anywhere in the kingdom when the um, when the um … when the nationalist jackboot crushes all beneath it.

Brothers and sisters, I have heard it said by some very uncharitable and sinful Scottish nationalists that I have an um, an um; that I have an um… a messiah complex. They mock me by saying that I um, that I um, only get wheeled out when the Union is once more in um, in um … peril from the fell forces of the damned. But that, my dear brethren and sistern, is tantamount to blasphemy. And on the last day when I um, when I um, find myself sitting quite near to the right side of the Father and Tony Blair I shall be advising them whom to let in and whom to send to the torments of Hades where there will be wailing um, um, wailing and gnashing of teeth. I’ve started a new political advisory consultancy, you see, and I’m sure um, The Almighty will want to avail Himself of my, um services once everyone’s settled in at heaven. Even if I um, do say so myself.

However that, my dear friends, is for an um, an um … another day. Let us deal with the here and now and the Hell on earth that is Scottish independence. I’ve always said that where two or three of you are um, are um, gathered in my name there shall I be also.

Even as I speak I can hear um, lots of noise and whooping and hollering from the ground above on this first day of an independent Scotland. I am assuming that this is because people are in agony at the long waits they are already having to um, having to um, endure at their local hospitals.

I predicted, did I not, I predicted that our wonderful NHS would come crashing down about our ears like the um, like the um, like the Walls of Jericho. And now it must have come to pass because, as I predicted not once; not twice; not three times; not four times; not five times but five times five times, the nationalist Government would not be able to um, pay its utility bills and the um, the um, electricity in all of our hospitals would be, um, would be um, turned off.

I also hear the sad cries of little children who are um, running around barefoot. Again, as I predicted, the great silent majority of the righteous who voted No have probably decided not to send their little ones to um, to um, to school because of the vile propaganda they are being fed by teachers who have had their minds bent on those stygian, wicked and wickedly stygian nationalist retraining camps.

My dear brethren and sistern, I say to you again: all the oil in the world will not save Scotland now. Yes, I know, like many other um, other um, British ministers of the um, the um, crown I eagerly embraced the policy of not telling the Scottish people about all the oil revenues that the UK took from the um, the um, the North Sea.

But I ask you; I ask you to consider for a moment what might have happened if Scotland had gained control of the um, of the um billions of barrels of oil that lay in its waters. It would have led to independence happening even earlier. And if there had been independence 20 years ago, that would have been 20 more years of misery and despair and winter after winter of um, of um bleak and black discontent abandoned by all hope and light.

Once the um, the um, axis of evil had realised Scotland was alone and independent without the protection of England they would have attacked us to get at our oil. And, yes: I know what some of you are um, thinking: that surely England wouldn’t let bad countries occupy a land that it borders. Well, think again; England would have been very, very hurt at Scotland turning its back on it. There would have been um, there would have been um; no rejoicing in England even if Scotland had repenteth.

Overhead I can hear rockets being fired. They sound like fireworks but I’m assuming that must be the sound of um, of um North Korean nuclear missiles landing. My good friend George Robertson warned us all that this would happen and now I, um , I um fear that his prophecies have come true.

I understand that there may not be um, many of you left to hear this message because your chums are all either hiding or have been consumed in the um, in the um, fog of the inevitable nuclear apocalypse that I warned you all about. Nevertheless, I urge you all to be of good cheer. For, you will be glad to know that Lord Darling and I have secured some gainful employment with a sustainable and um, and um, ethical hedge fund provider.

All of our investments accrued from speaking engagements over the, um years have been um, safely placed offshore away from the um, grasping mitts of the vile nationalist lynch mob who, even now are plundering our country’s wealth.

I beseech you all to keep your chins up and I’ll send you all a postcard from Westminster where his Lordships Darling, Robertson and Foulkes have established a government in exile officially recognised by um, by um, Legoland, the Walt Disney Corporation, Star Trek Productions and the Bart Simpson Foundation.