THE STORY SO FAR

I’VE been embedded as a Special Adviser at the heart of the Scottish Government on a top-secret assignment. My mission: to provide intelligence on the independence movement and to report to my handler, the mysterious master-spy “H” who serves as a minister in Nicola Sturgeon’s cabinet.

MONDAY

AN exciting couple of days lie ahead: it’s the unveiling of the new government departments for the Scottish Greens. In the haste that followed the Greens being jemmied into government there was a panic: what on earth can we give them that’ll let them feel pleased with themselves but keep them well away from the grown-ups?

The National: Lorna Slater and Patrick Harvie

We sent an email to all the SPADs asking for possible names of new government departments for Patrick Harvie and Lorna Slater. Then we whittled them down to a dozen and took everyone away for a leadership weekend at Gleneagles. Predictably, there were a few absurd entries such as Zero-Carbon Buildings, Active Travel and the Circular Economy. But most of my new colleagues took the exercise seriously. Here’s the short-list.

Minister for Safe Return of the Giant Pandas to China

Minister for Sustainable Fonts and Lettering on Civic Documentation.

Minister for Kindness, Empathy and Group Hugs.

Minister for Sustainability and Sustaining Sustainable Outcomes.

Minister for Outcomes.

Minister Without Portfolio.

Minister With Portfolio.

Minister for Sustainable and Diverse Portfolios.

Minister for Munro-bagging.

Minister for Trees and Flowers.

Minister for Sugar and Spice (and all things nice).

Minister for Pronouns.

TUESDAY

ALAS, Nicola Sturgeon intervened at the last minute and insisted Harvie became minister for zero-carbon buildings, active travel and tenants’ rights, while Slater is our new minister for green skills, circular economy and biodiversity.

“I just thought they would involve a great deal of research leading to nothing much in particular,” Sturgeon was later heard to say.

“And it also means they can attend all those outdoorsy events that require hard hats and hi-viz jackets. No politician ever looks good in that gear.”

WEDNESDAY

WE have a problem. The Catholics have been revolting over video footage of some young Rangers bangers singing about sending the Irish home. Suddenly, everyone’s Irish and parading their Donegal roots on social media. Now The National have got a leaked briefing document from Patrick Harvie’s office.

This is bad. The document is headed: “The Catholic Problem” and sets out in some detail Harvie’s proposal to nationalise the Catholic Church and take on all responsibility for issuing preaching licences to Catholic priests. “This way we get to ensure they sign up for a special Scottish Government version of the bible. And in return for that we promise to outlaw the Orangemen.”

THURSDAY

I RECEIVE a summons to meet “H” at our usual meeting place in the New Street underground car-park at Waverley Station. He seems even more tense than usual and there’s a definite chill in the air.

“It’s time to get serious now, Rupert. Boris is getting fidgety about a private memo from MI5 and the head of the civil service telling him that the numbers for independence are far higher than is being reported. Seems Sturgeon and her man have been distorting the real numbers to make them on the low side so they can stave off any pressure to have a referendum any time soon. Eventually the truth will come out.”

“What do you have in mind,” I ask him.

“I have a story you must leak to the Unionist papers about nuclear submarines,” he says.

FRIDAY

THE story is out. “Red Menace in the Clyde” shouts the Daily Mail. “Nuke off and take your subs with you Comrade” screams The Sun. “Red alert as Russian submarine enters Scottish waters” says The Times. “Now we must shut down Holyrood and put treacherous Scotland under martial law” thunders the Telegraph.

There’s a leaked letter purporting to be from Nicola Sturgeon. “Dear Mr Putin, regarding our recent conversation about future Russian/Scottish cooperation in the renewables sector. I’d like to extend an invitation for your Environment Minister, Comrade Belanov to visit Scotland ahead of the COP26 summit. Perhaps he could arrive in one of those new electric-powered green nuclear submarines you were telling me about.”

It’s a very sophisticated fabrication, of course. The boys at Naval Defence simply rolled out one of our de-commissioned subs; painted the Russian flag on it and told all the sailors to wear ushanka hats.