WITH HMS “Precious Union” listing badly and shipping water at an alarming rate, due in part to unrest and much mutinous muttering among the Caledonians below decks, Westminster has been forced to issue the dreaded order: “All hands to the pumps”, which apparently includes even the royals.
However, the burblings of Prince William as he attempted to schmooze the Caledonians, as described in your report on Monday, failed to inspire this press-ganged crew member.
READ MORE: Sky News gets pelters over report on William and Kate's Orkney visit
In fact, as I studied the hard tack, weevilly ship’s biscuit and mouldy mutton of William’s “I love Scotland, special place in my heart, why even my children love Scotland” etc, I felt slightly sick.
I then look to the bridge, where paces admiral Boris scanning the storm-tossed horizon through the wrong end of the telescope, while the parrot on his shoulders squawks “No referendum! No referendum!”
That’s when I hear myself shout: “Lower the lifeboats!”
Malcolm Cordell
Dundee
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