THE derisory one per cent pay rise for NHS workers in England should be an easy target at this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions – a real-terms pay cut for the heroes of the pandemic? Surely it’s an open goal. But moments after kick-off LibDem MP Daisy Cooper opts for a rather odd framing for her question, lambasting the Government for “throwing a staggering £37 billion at a Test and Trace system that we know has made barely any difference”. She shoots, she hits the post.

Far be it from me to defend the UK Government’s outsourced Test & Trace system, or indeed any part of its pandemic response aside from the vaccination rollout, but is this really the comparison politicians want to make? Had the government not spent billions on such a system – which will undoubtedly play a far more important role as lockdown measures are eased – then I’m quite sure they would have been up in arms about that.

READ MORE: UK Government's reward for frontline NHS workers is a real-terms pay cut

Test & Trace may be a far cry from the "world-beating" system we were promised, but as Boris Johnson points out, it  is underpinning the return of pupils to their classrooms. He also deftly passes the buck by saying the Public Sector Review Panel is looking at NHS pay and will report back in due course.

Undeterred, Keir Starmer also wants to make comparisons. “Who does the PM think deserves a pay rise more – NHS nurses or Dominic Cummings?” he asks. I have to check my calendar – is this March 2021 or May 2020? Cummings is yesterday’s news. Why can’t the Labour leader simply ask a straightforward question like “Why are you giving NHS workers a real-terms pay cut?”

Instead he bangs on about “affordability”, when if anything his silly question is about priorities and perceived value. Paradoxically, Starmer is demonstrating that he himself could do with better advisers. I’ll give him this advice for free: ask better questions! Get to the point more quickly!

Johnson has, naturally, come prepared with a dossier of positive statistics about NHS recruitment levels and training bursaries. Starmer has answers to this, pointing to tens of thousands of current vacancies, but then goes off on a rant about interior decorating. Eventually he gets back on to firmer ground – reminding us that two years ago the Tories promised a minimum 2.1% pay rise, and pointing out that Johnson’s own colleagues think the Government looks “mean” – but why couldn’t he have cut to the chase sooner?

READ MORE: PMQs: MPs laugh and heckle as Ian Blackford faces technical issues

Technical issues prevent Ian Blackford from asking his question, which those on the benches seem to find absolutely hilarious. Kirsten Oswald ably steps in, highlighting the fact that the new Turing scheme falls far, far short of the EU’s Erasmus scheme and asking why the Government is taking opportunities away from young people.

“A delightfully concise question,” replies Johnson, to yet more chuckles from his chums. Are they drunk? What exactly is so funny about drastically limiting students’ choices? He then has the brass neck to accuse the Scottish Government of “failing on education”.

The SNP’s David Linden wants to know why the £20 a week uplift to Universal Credit – now extended for a further six months – was never available to those on legacy benefits, but he’ll certainly be none the wiser after the unrelated little speech with which the PM responds.

READ MORE: PMQs: Boris Johnson refuses to apologise to student facing £12k jump in uni fees

Alyn Smith is also denied an answer to his question, returning to the shortcomings of the Turing scheme with the real-life example of a student who had hoped to do a Masters in Amsterdam at a cost of £2168, only to be faced with fees of £14,600 thanks to Brexit. Smith says the new scheme “won’t touch the sides”, and asks if Johnson will apologise. No, he won’t, because apparently the new scheme is fairer to lower-income students.

It’s a shame the devolved administrations weren’t consulted about these plans, or involved in any way in their development. Then perhaps they’d have gained an understanding of why a fee increase of £12,000-plus is “fair”. It surely can’t be that the Prime Minister is in fact misrepresenting the scheme, and downplaying another disastrous consequence of Brexit. The Tories wouldn't be sitting chuckling to themselves about that. Or would they?

This article was edited to reflect the fact that Daisy Cooper is a Liberal Democrat MP, not a Labour one