ACCORDING to the astute and erudite Katy Balls in The Spectator magazine, Michael Gove has changed his Zoom name to include the year that Scotland lost her independence to form a Union with England.

What jolly japes. On virtual meetings with his lord and master, Gove, aka “1707”, is pushing his “Project Love” agenda to create some space to describe Scots’ growing demands for a second independence referendum as more “reckless” then refused.

In his usual sleekit manner, he is hinting that he might create some “wriggle room” to use Balls’s expression, or in other words, to quote his bete noire Theresa May, “now is not the time” for a referendum, but no-one is suggesting that this might not change further down the line. Gather up these crumbs, you grateful Scots. The UK Government might deign to recognise democracy at some point in the future. Hip, hip, Hooray Henry. Patronising is a polite word for it.

Gove’s love bomb approach is in marked contrast to former Number 10 Union Unit Oliver Lewis’s rather more combative style which centred on crushing dissent in Scotland Vote Leave-style. Before Carrie Symonds showed Lewis the door, he preferred to co-opt the Internal Market Bill to splash the cash directly in Scotland, therefore bypassing Holyrood and showing the Scots how the big Union boys take back control.

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It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so desperately unsubtle; but now the strongman has left in a cream puff so it’s been left to Alister Jack to lead this particular charge.

Mr 1707 prefers a softer wooing, rising above age-old grudges in this disunited kingdom to find a more positive road through this historical impasse. Cue some nauseating comms push on the wonders of the Union, the glories of co-operation, the shared values of our islands etc, etc. Cue Union Jacks galore in a branding bonanza. Gove has even drafted in Gordon Brown to say it with flowers. If that doesn’t kill it off, nothing will.

This bunch will do anything, say anything, promise anything, to try to save the Union. Just now, it seems Johnson is keeping tabs on Gove’s approach, but this particular Scot enthralled by London might find he is fighting a losing battle when he tries these tactics north of the Border. After all, it’s not in his party’s DNA to love Scotland. They don’t even “love” their own Scottish MPs, throwing them out with the bath water at every twist and turn and denying them a place at the Cabinet committee table, hence Douglas Ross’s continuing desperate and futile attempts to exert his authority. They can love-bomb all they like, they can pretend to throw money at our so-called “failures” (physician, heal thyself comes to mind), they can try to marginalise Holyrood, but they can’t fix what they themselves have broken.

Because what needs repaired and re-energised in Scotland is what has been caused by the Tories this past decade and in years gone by – fuelled, fanned, inflamed and swollen by a party that really couldn’t give two hoots about what is good for Scots or any of their citizens in truth.

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Austerity in overdrive has caused poverty and destitution which the UN described as the “systematic immiseration” by the UK Government. We don’t need

£20 million spent on a tunnel dodging munitions in Beaufort’s Dyke between Scotland and Northern Ireland, we want to be in control of our own fiscal powers so we can actually fix the mess created by this Tory cruel and callous system, where human rights are at the bottom of the pile. Imagine what we could do with that money.

This has parallels with Johnson’s other strategies, such as his 10-point plan for a green revolution while making it nigh impossible for people to retrofit their homes in an environmentally friendly way by cancelling their own Green Homes Grant or washing his hands of plans to go ahead with a local coal mine in Cumbria.

There is neither a will nor a way for this bunch to build back better; they only want to save the Union to save face and take advantage of our multitudinous natural resources.

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It’s important to remember that those leading the “Scottish Strategy” are pure parodies of Conservatism. Gove is the epitome of the Scot who doesn’t want to be Scottish; Scottish Secretary Alister Jack is a walking tweed-wearing cliche of the laird who keeps the locals under his thumb; and Boris Johnson is a cartoon colonialist, running roughshod over the natives to plunder and undermine just for the sheer bloody hell of it.

This whole “Carry on Union” is just more smoke and mirrors. When did this party ever not play dirty over keeping the Scots in our place? That’s why we haven’t voted for them in decades. Like a broken record, their Scottish strategy is the same old, same old – shaft and sublimate. Project Love, Project Vote Leave Mark 2, it’s all just a distraction. Eyes on the prize, Scotland.