WHEN political parties want to gauge public opinion on a new policy idea or assess how well-received a particular politician is, they often use focus groups.

A bunch of people are ushered into a conference room, offered copious amounts of tea and biscuits, and then asked to give their honest views. One of the exercises the strategists use in gathering this market research is to ask participants to describe the person or policy in one word.

We don’t need a focus group to assess how well Unionism is faring at the moment, we need only look to newspaper headlines over recent months. The United Kingdom doesn’t exactly get glowing reviews. It’s never “The Mighty Union” or “The Happy Union’” or even “The Not-Too-Bad Union’’. Sometimes you might see “Precious Union” but that’s only ever used ironically.

Instead, we see words such as “crumbling”, “fractured”, “perilous” and “dying” attributed to the current state of the UK. Or, as the front page of yesterday’s Sunday Times put it: “Disunited Kingdom”.

Get Downing Street some tea and biscuits because those lads must be feeling pretty dizzy right now.

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Some of the UK Government’s Union Committee (yes, really) met last week to discuss the growing and sustained support for independence, as shown by 20 consecutive opinion polls recording a majority for Yes. One Cabinet minister told the Sunday Times: “We need to show people that it not inevitable.”

This is an odd persuasion tactic, though perhaps indicative of how utterly out of its depth the UK Government is on Scottish independence.

Its five-point plan to save the Union is equally inadequate. One of the points is to “properly” fight May’s Holyrood election. It’s not clear what that means in practice but it probably involves putting Ruth Davidson up for every interview and debate so she can rehash tired soundbites.

I received a Tory campaign leaflet through the door the other day and it looked remarkably like every other one I’ve received for the last five years. “Vote For Us To Say No to Indyref2” etc etc. But perhaps I’m being too harsh; it might be sixth time lucky.

In a move that shows how worried they are about the disintegration of the Union, the Tories have put a scrappy official in charge of their Really Big Proper “this time it will work” Scottish election campaign. Oliver Lewis, nickname Sonic, is a Vote Leave veteran and was part of the UK Brexit negotiating team. So he’s as suited to the task of winning over Yes supporters as Nigel Farage would be as the face of a Save the Whales campaign.

“We’re not giving up without a fight,” said one official. As part of that, they are going to challenge the “woke, left view” that the Union is a residue of empire.

If it wasn’t so utterly deranged, it would probably be funny. How can the UK Government look at the flashing neon lights telling it why support for independence is growing and still manage to miss the point entirely?

I’m not sure a strategy of both telling Scots that independence is not inevitable while doing everything they can to ensure it is, is the genius plan the UK Government thinks it is.

Full disclosure: I’m not known for being an expert when it comes to matters of the heart, but I’d imagine there are a few givens when it comes to saving a failing marriage. Or a failing Union.

Honest and open communication is key, as is the ability to communicate your needs to your partner and listen to them when they tell you theirs. Nobody enjoys hearing criticism but if the goal is to keep your partnership intact then it might be time for some hard realities.

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The UK is acting like a spouse who, upon hearing that their partner is unhappy, launches into a PowerPoint presentation about why divorce is not inevitable because everything the other person feels, experiences and says about their marriage is actually untrue.

Where is the wooing we were promised? Stick a Union Jack on a box of Dairy Milk and seal it with a kiss. As a “Stop Independence” plan, UK-sponsored chocolates and flowers sent to every home in Scotland wouldn’t be any less useless than this new five-point plan.

My bet is this latest scheme from the UK Government will last about as long as all the others did. In truth, there’s only one item on the agenda for stopping Scottish independence and that is to simply ignore election results, polling data and reality and refuse to allow us to have our say again.

While the SNP discuss their “Plan B” for if and when Boris Johnson refuses a Section 30 order after the May election, along with the practicalities of implementing such a proposal, it is clear the way the wind is blowing. The hows and whens are for politicians to grapple with. But voters in Scotland want to choose to become independent. The conditions for this particular voyage are looking favourable.