The National:

JUST in case Donald Trump ignores Nicola Sturgeon and comes to watch Joe Biden’s inauguration on satellite TV from a suite in Trump Turnberry (having found it’s a wee bit cold for him for golf) I thought I‘d better plot out a play attempting to document his meeting that same day with Nicola Sturgeon.

(Scene one. Trump is watching Biden on a big screen TV and berating a naked, kneeling lackey.)

TRUMP: Son of a bitch can’t even talk right! It’s the China Virus, for God’s sake! I tell ya, Doogie, he’s working for Xi! I always said so! Soon as I met that sneaky Chinese son of a bitch I knew he was a real man! No way Biden beat me, no way! Listen to him!

DOUGLAS ROSS: Of course not, your mightiness. Do you need me for anything else?

TRUMP: Yeah, yeah! Get Junior to send Nicola in the moment she arrives! I’m gonna schmooze her! I’m gonna move on her like a bitch!

(Later, the First Minister is ushered in to see the President.)

READ MORE: Trump ‘should be arrested’ if he tries to enter Scotland while fleeing US

NICOLA: All right. I’m here. What the hell do you want?

TRUMP: Now, baby… is that any way to talk to your Uncle Donald?

(in a sing song voice)

I’m here to do you a favour!

(Later still, after helping Trump up from where she decked him, the First Minister has remembered her manners and attempted to explain the Covid Travel Restrictions. She is now responding to the wholly blank expression she is receiving in return)

NICOLA: Okay. I’m sorry I hit you. I have to remember who I’m talking to…

TRUMP: I’m the President of the United States!

NICOLA: (turning to the TV, where Biden has just finished taking the oath of office)

Not any more, you’re not. You’re an elderly, mad American in a hotel room. You’re a “pair auld sowl.”

TRUMP: Yeah? Well if you want an independent Scotland, honey, you and this sour old pear are going to have to make a deal … you know what I’m saying?

NICOLA: What to you mean, “deal”, you ridiculous wee person?

TRUMP: (with a sad face)

I…am a refugee!

NICOLA: You want political asylum? In Scotland!

TRUMP: Land of my ancestors!

NICOLA: For the first time in my life I am happy to say; “That is currently a reserved matter.”

TRUMP: They’re coming after me! Those ungrateful bastards!

NICOLA: The Supreme Court … !

TRUMP: Can you believe it!? I got them a job for life! It’s sad. It makes me very sad.

NICOLA: Money laundering and misuse of office…

TRUMP: It’s political, it’s all political! I made them look like saps, and now they’re coming after me, the losers!

NICOLA: I’m a lawyer … these are very serious charges …

TRUMP: I know that. I KNOW that. You’re a great lawyer. Everybody says so. And you piss people off, just like I do. Boris told me how much you piss him off!

The National:

NICOLA: I don’t see …

TRUMP: You want a new country, don’t yuh? Well, I need a new country too! One which doesn’t have any extradition treaties yet!

NICOLA: But Scotland…

TRUMP: Don’t tell me that a new country wouldn’t welcome some investment? Hah? And I can make it worth your while personally! But if you want to put windfarms where I can see them out my window, you can think again! Do we understand each other?

(Later, having tried to explain that an independent Scotland would need to be a place where they had some laws, and issues him with an Unexplained Wealth Order. Nicola is about to leave, and Mister Trump makes one last plea.)

TRUMP: Let’s get realistic, here…you need a friend like me! I can smooth things out for you with some important people, some very important people!

(Nicola, with a look of pity and contempt, takes her leave.)

TRUMP: (desperately)

Russia Today! I can get you your very own show! (Nicola closes the door)