The Tories will be up to their old tricks during the election and vaccine roll-out

Kerevan got a little carried away in conveying his zeal for Scottish independence by appearing to equate it with Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid in South Africa and Martin Luther King Jr’s black civil rights campaign in the US. I hear what you’re saying George, but I’m not sure any of us will be required to do a spell in the pokey for the cause.

The tweet provided the basis for an actual story by some national newspapers who garnished it with all the contrived outrage they keep for such social media delinquency. An assortment of Twitter gargoyles who live for opportunities to proclaim their virtue duly came charging in to tell George to behave himself. I don’t know George personally, but I’d hope he’ll pour himself a large one and not give a Friar Tuck for this latest outburst of mob sanctimony. Go George, as the millennials might say.

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To fill those barren sheets during the festive period, the newspaper industry relies on a few tried and tested editorial devices. The picture editor will be required to put in a shift choosing the best snaps of the retreating year and the sports supremo will be asked to do likewise. Some journalists will channel their inner Dorothy Parker and provide a short story full of sentiment and bubblegum about kindness amidst strife. Using our skill and good judgment, some of us will even attempt to predict the outcomes of the big cultural and political set-pieces.

Yet even this has become fraught with peril. There you are in the middle of the year, wondering if Crail is in level 3 or level 2 before you book a caravan for the Fair Fortnight. And then you find that some sanctimonious roaster has flayed you alive on social media for getting your six-month-old predictions all wrong.

So, as 2020 stumbles to a close, I’m keeping my predictions to a manageable two: the Scottish elections and the Covid-19 vaccination programme.

I don’t think anyone harbours any doubt about the outcome of May’s Holyrood elections. Nor is there much uncertainty over the question of whether or not the SNP will rule with a working majority. Of most interest will be how the party, armed with yet another electoral mandate, will seek to secure a second referendum on independence.

Here’s my prediction, based on six years watching the party leadership contrive a bewildering assortment of dodges to convey the impression that it still, you know ... wants independence without actually doing anything about it. Nicola Sturgeon will ask Boris Johnson to grant the required Section 30 order, which he’ll refuse. He’ll do so for these reasons: 1. He doesn’t have to; 2. He’d be crazy to do so; 3. His refusal will drive Ian Blackford gloriously round the twist.

This will afford the indefatigable Blackford the opportunity to climb to his feet imperiously in the House of Commons and read from the bluster index he uses for just such an eventuality. You know the one: it includes well-thumbed locutions such as “it’s a damned disgrace”, “it’s an affront to democracy” and “the will of the Scottish people will not be denied”. Mhairi Black will make her annual state-of-the-Union barnstormer about rich Tories and how the bairns will all be going without shoes while Scotland is yoked to this reactionary state.

There will be liberal use of words like “cruel”, “insult” and “contempt”. Then the SNP Westminster front bench will do what they always do after a Tory PM – infuriatingly and inexplicably – refuses to hand over a quarter of the kingdom. They’ll simmer and bristle (as they always do) over discounted gins in one of the House of Commons bars. And they’ll be thankful at least that the mortgage repayments are guaranteed for another few years of simmering and bristling at the injustice of it all. Someone will suggest in a quiet voice that they could, of course, simply not take their seats in such an unrepresentative and reactionary polity and put their money where their mouths are. They’ll be pelted with canapes and told they’ll be reported to Peter Murrell for such loose talk.

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But it’s the Covid vaccination programme I’m really looking forward to. Or at least the way the UK Government will handle it. This is a Government which routinely awards ferry contracts to firms who don’t make ferries and PPE contracts to companies who don’t make PPE equipment.

My prediction is that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove will apply some good old Brexit criteria to the Covid curers. After the elderly and the NHS workers have had their jags, The Telegraph will reveal that a loyalty test will be attached to the roll-out programme. This will come in the form of a questionnaire which GPs must ask their patients to fill out. The more questions you get right, the quicker you get your Covid jag.

“So, Mr O’Flaherty, you struggled with number eight about the head of the British Armed Forces, so that’s you put back to December for your vaccination. And as for you, Mr Ahmed, you had a wee bit of difficulty reciting William Shakespeare’s first six sonnets. Come back and try next week.”

As the UK Chancellor Rishi Sunak warns us to prepare for a double-dip recession, he’ll announce the privatisation of the Covid-19 vaccination programme. Firms will be invited to tender for the prized multi-million pound contracts, and while previous experience in storing and handling delicate vaccines will be considered advantageous, this will not be compulsory.

Preference will absolutely not be given to firms owned by Tory party donors, although the nation must understand that we are in a race against time and that some leeway might require to be granted in an otherwise stringent procurement process. It will be recommended that only firms with more than five years of certified accounts will be considered.

However, as speed is of the essence, new companies which, ahem, have only just registered at Companies House in the previous seven days can also apply if they have two solid references and are in good financial standing at the Carlton Club. In these cases, a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to managing and conducting a programme of mass vaccination will be issued.

The Chancellor will say: “By introducing competition in the vaccination programme, we will stimulate British industry and create jobs. This will also provide good messages about the need to end our something-for-nothing culture.”