The National:

LOOK: I don’t want to add to anxiety levels, what with a pandemic rampaging about and some pubs not serving alcohol and everything. But Conservative Home’s poll asking Tory members what they think of their ministerial team really is downright alarming.

I mean top of the Tory pops is Liz Truss (Liz Truss!). You remember Liz? Well maybe not. She’s the superstar trade czar who managed to nail down a deal with Japan which was significantly worse than the one we already had through the EU.

A startling example of which will be our enviable ability to flog them cheese so long as there is some quota left after Europe has its way with it. We’ll definitely maybe be right in there after the Brie and Gouda boys (or perhaps not).

READ MORE: Conservative satisfaction with Scottish figures is weak, new poll shows

Or you might remember her party conference speech, most notable for her constant pauses for non-existent applause.

Anyway Liz knocked the Chancellor into second spot, down six points from last year doubtless for giving too many hard-earned shareholder profits to the furloughed.

A wee health warning here: Conservative Home is on the right of the party (yes indeedy, the right does have a right-wing), and is really keen on Brexit and really not keen on any curbs on personal liberty. Like not being allowed maskless coughing.

It also likes guns and stuff, which is why Defence Secretary Ben Wallace has raced up the poll to third place, gaining 26 new points after getting an agreement to buy lots of shiny new toys - the better to ensure these foreigners know their place. The ones Priti wants to stop coming here – unless they’re “high value” investment types. Ah yes Priti; right up there at number six, with a couple of points more than the blessed and hyphenated Jacob.

And what of our boys? What of the Scots Tories who have climbed the greasy pole of preferment? Well it pains me (not really) to report that Mr Alister Jack comes in at number 22 with just 13 points. Maybe the English voters don’t know who he is, or what he’s for. A confusion they share with much of the Scottish electorate.

On the other hand, Jack is one place above a certain B Johnson who’s supposed to be minding the whole shop. The Prime Minister, the first among equals, hovers at just under 3 points, whilst his hapless Health Secretary, toiling night and day to persuade the nation he’s got any of his sums right, misses out on relegation by just 0.4 points.

The National:

Douglas Ross comes in at a rather more respectable 27.8 points, just under Michael Gove who dropped a startling 24 points over the year. Probably not as a result of building a lorry park on a flood plain – these voters will settle for any kind of Brexit going. Just as long as they are A SOVEREIGN STATE WHICH BUILDS ITS OWN SPITFIRES. No, Conservative Home’s take on Govey’s nosedive is that he’s been far too keen on encouraging Covidy type restrictions.

But hold hard. This somewhat niche electorate is not entirely as green as its cabbage looking. (Actually not very green at all!). Because whilst it may not be as adept as we’d like at the old numpty spotting, it can still tell when it’s being made to look a total mug.

Not even this lot can understand how and why Gavin Williamson wound up as Education Secretary.

Williamson, who is to academia what I am to hang-gliding, is rated at MINUS 22.6. When even the new model, righter than right Tory Party thinks you’re an embarrassment – time to give the red box back to Daddy. Not that he’ll know what to do with it.