THE Speaker has spoken! He’s spoken up about sneaky speaking, and said stop it! Boris Johnson is to cease calling the SNP the “Scottish Nationalist Party” with immediate effect, and the matter is not up for discussion!

Of course, that didn’t stop the Prime Minister trying to discuss the new “ruling”, because the impertinent swine had an important point to make, and the point was “Na na ni na na, I hate the SNP and you can’t stop me”.

Unimpressed, the Speaker moved proceedings along, but he later put Johnson in time out, interrupting him when he was in full flow, blathering his usual rubbish at Ian Blackford from his isolation booth in the Downing Street bunker.

“SIR GRAHAM BRADY!!” bellowed Lindsay Hoyle, indicating that it was time for someone else to ask a question. This was blessed relief for all of us who are sick of listening to these repetitive rambles masquerading as answers to questions, but it also sent an important message: you might have got away with disrespecting your opponents up until now, but if you disrespect the Speaker there will be consequences.

The question is, what will Hoyle do if the playground-bully-in-chief “accidentally” keeps on referring to the “Scottish Nationalist Party”? Detention isn’t currently an option, given the Prime Minister is already detained, and exclusion would no doubt come as a relief, allowing him to swerve further grilling on Covid contracts being handed to the Conservatives’ cronies, or being asked to give an update on the success of “Operation Moonshot”, or being confronted with the latest UK death toll.

Lines (“I must not refer to made-up parties in the House of Commons” x 5000) would be too easy to outsource to a Number 10 lackey. Application of the belt would be incompatible with the social-distancing rules in the House of Commons, and likely only provoke further insubordination (Johnson once wrote that he remembered “being so enraged at being whacked for talking at the wrong moment that it has probably given me a lifelong distrust of authority”). Being banished to a perspex-enclosed naughty step might send a message, but it would doubtless result in a cacophony of jeering from the right honourable hyenas at the back of the classroom.

Perhaps a punishment exercise would be most appropriate – say, for example, a 10,000-word essay titled A Complete History Of The Scottish National Party, followed by an oral exam on the same subject.

Let’s have the bumptious boor speak aloud the answers to questions such as “How many seats did the SNP win in the 2011 Holyrood election?”, “What did Margaret Thatcher declare would be a sufficient mandate for Scottish independence?”, and “What was Nicola Sturgeon’s approval rating in August 2020? Was it (a), +50, or (b) -50?”

READ MORE: WATCH: Boris Johnson scolded by Speaker for getting SNP's name wrong

While I was tickled by last week’s suggestion by reader Kenneth Burnett that “Ian Blackbird” respond tit for tat by calling the Conservatives by a less-than-flattering nickname, one that better reflects how they are viewed north of the Border, we all know the SNP’s Westminster leader would never stoop to this level. Johnson depends on the fact that when he goes low, his opponents will go high. That when he calls them names they will rise above and carry on trying to do their jobs.

The Prime Minister regularly manages to put Keir Starmer off his stride by flinging out random accusations and insults in the hope some mud will stick or his questioning momentum will be lost. He might not come right out and call the leader of the opposition a “nasty man”, but he certainly implies it with every ridiculous response to questions about PPE supply, lockdowns or Test and Trace.

Week after week he shamelessly avoids giving answers to yes/no questions, instead using PMQs as a forum to announce how brilliantly the UK is doing at tackling the pandemic. Occasionally he’ll receive a gentle ticking-off from Hoyle for being completely evasive, or for jabbing his finger at this opponent rather than addressing the chair, but he bats away such reprimands like bluebottles.

The Speaker certainly does not have an easy job: there’s a fine line between maintaining order and exhibiting bias, and evading questions is – let’s face it – practically a prerequisite for anyone seeking election.

Perhaps the downfall of the PM’s North American role model – and the decision of multiple US news networks to just start muting that sore loser mid-lie – has given Hoyle more confidence to challenge the very worst of his behaviour. It’s one thing to have the world’s second most embarrassing blonde pretending to run things, but to take the top spot is mortifying.

As a result of this week’s warning Johnson will likely dial back his most outrageous behaviour, at least for a week or two, but expect an overall increase in his use of “nationalists”, “separatists” and perhaps even “extremists” as he continues on his disastrous campaign to save the United Kingdom.

The only tactic he has left, aside from repeating a four-word soundbite, is to smear anyone who dares point out that the Union emperor has no clothes on and is making a complete exhibition of himself – isolated and exposed – on the global stage.