HAPPY anniversary! It's one year since Boris Johnson became Prime Minister, so the leader of the opposition has a gift for him – it's a hot potato, straight out of the oven! Why did the UK Government sit on the report into Russian interference for 10 months?
But of course we aren't allowed to share food due to coronavirus restrictions, so it's quite right that Johnson refuses to take it, instead batting it back to Jeremy Cor… oh wait, it’s a different guy now. How inconvenient.
But never mind, this seems as good an opportunity as ever to state that Jeremy Corbyn was paid to appear on Russia Today and was basically fine with the Salisbury poisonings – claims he can’t deny because he isn’t here. Ideal, really.
According to the PM, the “Islingtonian Remainers” are just annoyed that the Russia report doesn’t state there was foreign meddling in the EU referendum – at least, not according to the unredacted portions of it published yesterday. Labour’s Ben Bradshaw is apparently just annoyed that there is “no smoking gun whatsoever after all that froth and fury” – oh, but also the UK Government is apparently leading the world in caution about Russian interference. It sounds a little bit like the Prime Minister is trying to have it both ways here, no?
READ MORE: ‘Nondescript oddball’ Tory MPs join fight to save the Union
An exasperated Keir Starmer is determined to get his opponent to answer the bloody question, asserting that the Labour Party is now under new management and spluttering with pots-and-kettles-based outrage that he’s being accused of “more flip-flops than Bournemouth Beach”. Geddit? It’s a joke about people flocking to the seaside in large numbers and putting themselves at risk of a potentially fatal illness. Tee hee hee!
Speaking of coronavirus, the joke's on Johnson when Caroline Nokes, chairwoman of the Women and Equalities Committee, raises the serious topic of health inequalities and makes sure to call the Prime Minister fat in the process. The benches erupt into sniggers – haha, remember when he nearly died? Tragedy plus time equals comedy, old boy! – and naturally he takes in on the chin, thanking Nokes for raising the important matter of people “taking back control” of their own health. No doubt he’s already pondering how to work her bum looking big in that dress into a later exchange.
READ MORE: WATCH: Boris Johnson told his plan to save the Union is doomed
Just in case it’s not already clear that silly season has started early, here comes Tory MP Nusrat Ghani to ask if she can recommend some holiday reading to the Prime Minister. I feel like an email or a Twitter DM might have sufficed. What next? Will someone ask the PM to listen to their mixtape? She recommends that baby Wilfred be introduced to Winnie The Pooh, quoting Christopher Robin’s pep talk "you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
Johnson Snr will perhaps need to repeat that mantra to himself in the mirror tomorrow morning – before heading to Scotland to meet a population that views him as a weak, deluded coward of very little brain.
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules here