WHO am I? Where am I? What’s going on? Just when I’d stopped talking to the plants and started meeting up with friends, I’m in danger of losing my marbles again.

On one hand, we have Nicola Sturgeon saying that people must cover their faces when visiting shops in Scotland, to reduce the risk of virus transmission.

On the other, we have the Tory front bench telling us there is no such country as Scotland.

Was this just another one of my very vivid dreams? I did press the snooze button several times yesterday morning. Or did Jacob Rees-Mogg really compare an entire nation to a few dozen streets in central London?

The Leader of the House of Commons claims the SNP are taking inspiration from Ealing comedy Passport to Pimlico by suggesting that a border exists between England and Scotland, scoffing at the very notion that he and his exceptional English friends should be bound by anything other than their own rules.

Pimlico, it should be noted, was the setting for the famous 1940 film Gaslight, in which a man tells his wife she’s imagining everything from the dimming of lamps to bumps in the attic in an attempt to convince her she’s gone mad, so that he can secretly search their home for hedge-fund profits and North Sea oil revenues. Or wait, was it precious rubies? You get the idea, anyway.

READ MORE: Jacob Rees-Mogg claims Scotland is just a 'district or area'

“A border is something that you may stop people crossing,” said the MP for the general vicinity of North East Somerset – adding, even more bizarrely: “Mrs Sturgeon wishes to build a wall.”

So that’s what “border” means, is it? A wall that stops people from crossing? It’s a shame we’ve wasted so much time – oh, so much time! – since the EU referendum discussing the differences between hard and soft borders, when all this time the latter have been non-existent. And no wonder the SNP MPs were on a hiding to nothing trying to argue that any Brexit deal should respect Scotland’s wishes, given Scotland doesn’t really exist either. Silly them!

“There are no internal borders within the United Kingdom,” asserted Rees-Mogg. “It is one country, I am glad to say.” He might be glad to say it, but I’d be glad to say that Jacob Rees-Mogg had booked himself a one-way ticket to Timbuktu – that doesn’t make it true.

Speaking of international travel, it appears the Prime Minister’s dad has taken his cue from a different Ealing comedy, Another Shore, and made himself scarce in the most conspicuous manner possible, by jetting to Greece – via Bulgaria – and bragging about it on Instagram.

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Stanley Johnson clearly understands the concept of borders you can stop people crossing, but like a lab rat in a maze he’s capable of finding ways around them. Could he smell the feta from here? Or was this a calculated move – complete with airport selfies – to demonstrate that Brits abroad will do whatever they want, when they want, and to hell with safety precautions?

Perhaps the Greeks will consider building a wall around the four-bedroom property that Johnson is allegedly “Covid-proofing” in preparation for the rental season. It’s certainly odd that no-one in all of Greece had a set of spare keys and the wherewithal to oversee some minor renovations. But this must have been the case, as no-one would even be so bold as to break the guidelines set out by their own son’s government just to go on holiday.

Anyway, back to the Scotland “area”, where Nicola Sturgeon is boiling at the roasters in Westminster for telling sun-seekers they can have European holidays from next week onwards. They controversially made this announcement about “air bridges” before agreeing it with the countries involved – and they didn’t consult Scotland District Council either.

Thus the stage was set for the Scottish Government to affirm that health is a devolved matter, and unrestricted holidays abroad have rather significant implications of public health.

The pre-scripted response was yesterday’s gaslighting performance in the Commons. Well, perhaps two can play at that game.

As Descartes probably once said, during a caravan holiday in Aviemore, “I think I am in Scotland, therefore I am in Scotland”. But was he also in Scotland when he wasn’t in Scotland? If there is no border, surely that means being “in Scotland” is merely a state of mind.

This could have major implications for indyref2 voting rights. If there is no border, and postcodes are irrelevant, surely “Scottish people” from anywhere in the world ought to be permitted to vote – everyone from the Americans who assert “Ah’m Scawtish” from their star-spangled porches to the tweed-sporting lords and ladies who would happily live here full-time if only peasant shooting was legalised.

If Scotland-dwellers around the world can be mobilised, and encouraged to take an interest in UK affairs, could a Section 30 order really be repeatedly refused? Rees-Mogg and co should be careful what they wish for.