WELL that was a strange week. And there will be many more to follow, I fear.

Perhaps the weirdest aspect has been producing papers from my kitchen table. I count myself extremely fortunate to be able to do this, cocooned in locked-down safety while healthcare workers and shop staff risk all on the frontline.

As I write, my office manager – recently promoted from tea boy – has placed a mug of coffee on my “desk”.

The office manager also doubles as quarter master. A natural stockpiler, we need not fear scarcity of provisions. I’m sure people across the land are heartily glad of their Brexit Cupboard. This, however, does not mean there’s no rationing.

A docket has to be filled in for the procurement of certain goods and services. Form TB1viii is required for the acquisition of a cup of tea. A subclause states that each teabag must be utilised for 1.5 mugs of tea.

Form BBIH3iii – a very long and complex document – must be completed before the heating can be turned on “out of hours” – and only when it’s Bloody Baltic In Here.

We have no shortage of that much sought-after commodity toilet roll. Nevertheless, we are following a strict two-sheet rule. To encourage adherence to the two-sheet rule, I note that a pile of pre-torn loo paper has been organised. Advance planning is, of course, paramount.

The office manager/quarter master is also paying close attention to soap supplies. To do his bit for the cause, showering and shaving have been kept to an absolute minimum.

There have, indeed, been worrying tales of shortages. The monks of Buckfast Abbey have announced they have ceased producing their famous tonic wine due to the coronavirus.

They said the decision was “not taken lightly” and was to comply with latest government advice. A statement on Facebook read: “Given the unprecedented Covid-19 situation, we wanted to take time to update you on our position.

“With immediate effect our offices and production lines will temporarily close. This decision was not taken lightly, however we must act on the Government’s advice.”

What on earth will we do now on a Saturday night?

In accordance with Government guidelines, we have been observing the one-walk diktat. We are fortunate to live on the edge of a beautiful golf course … made all the more bonnie now that the golfers have been banned. Apologies to all fans of the sport, but your loss is our gain.

Back in the kitchen there is strict zoning in place. I have been allocated three chairs at the kitchen table: Work Chair, College Chair and Leisure Chair. It is important to pay close attention to the demarcation of these areas. Violation carries hefty penalties and could result in forms TB1viii and BBIH3iii being withdrawn indefinitely.

Meanwhile, there are reports that divorce rates in China have soared, with officials saying that this is as a result of couples being stuck in quarantine together.

However, I find that hard to believe.

Keep well and stay safe everyone.