SO, is Boris Johnson running scared from Andrew Neil? Surely not. Our strong-man Prime Minister can’t be afraid of a few simple questions. He can’t possibly be imagining that a politician of his integrity, a statesman of his standing, could be undone by having facts fired directly at his face faster than he has time to process them, let alone reply to them.

No way will this man of honour – who, don’t forget, repeatedly called Jeremy Corbyn a chicken for failing to support his calls for a General Election – simply bottle it when faced with a challenge?

No, it must be a straight-forward case of clashing diaries and missed voicemails. A date is sure to be announced any day now – if indeed it hasn’t been already by the time you read this – and the Prime Minister is bound to be treated to just as thorough a grilling as every other one of the main party leaders.

The BBC definitely wouldn’t want to be seen as giving the Tory leader an easier ride than his rivals.

They certainly wouldn’t want viewers to be left questioning the impartiality of their fearsome star interviewer, a former chairman of the Federation of Conservative Students, editor of The Sunday Times and contributor to the The Daily Mail. That would definitely not do.

With this in mind, perhaps Mr Neil would be open to some suggestions about what questions he should ask the Prime Minister. Or, if the interview doesn’t end up happening after all, perhaps we can just use our imaginations about how it might have gone.

So … lights, camera, action!

READ MORE: BBC slammed as Boris Johnson dodges Andrew Neil interview

Dramatic trumpet music, big heads, geometric shapes, Big Ben, beep, beep, beep

Andrew Neil sternly puts on his reading glasses

Andrew Neil: Boris Johnson, given your reputation for lying, why should viewers at home believe anything you say during the course of this interview?

Boris Johnson: Well, um, thank

you, Andrew, for this opportunity, which I hope the people at home will find, um, enlightening and useful as they prepare to vote in this vitally important General Election. I think the issue of trust in politics is central to this election and…

AN: That’s not what I asked though. I asked if why anyone should believe you personally, given your track record?

BJ: Well I think they should absolutely trust me to get Brexit done, since only the Conservative party can be trusted with that very important task. And I think if people look at my track record in office…

AN: We’ll come back to that, but I’m asking specifically about your record for lying. In just the past few days you’ve lied about the SNP wanting an independent Scotland to use the euro, you’ve referred to a Labour/SNP coalition despite

both parties ruling out any such thing, and you’ve hailed the construction of a space port that doesn’t exist. Were these lies, or do you simply have no idea what’s going on?

BJ: I absolutely do know what’s going on, and that is that the SNP are trying to break-up our precious Union with the help of Jeremy Corbyn, and, um, that when the space port is built it will be an excellent example of our United Kingdom working for everyone.

AN: You mentioned your record in office. As London Mayor you spent £200,000 on water canons that were not allowed to be used in the UK, and your Garden Bridge vanity project cost £43 million of public money before it was abandoned. Is that a record to be proud of?

BJ: Well, Andrew, you have chosen to highlight those things rather than any of the excellent work we did when I was Mayor of London...

AN: Well, your record as Foreign Secretary wasn’t much better. You supported the dropping of UK-made bombs on Yemen by Saudi Arabia, endangered an imprisoned British-Iranian citizen with careless remarks, and made jokes about clearing away dead bodies in Libya.

BJ: Well again, Andrew, you are deliberately – because this is what you do, I understand that – you are focusing quite narrowly on details rather than the bigger picture, which is that only one party standing in this election that will get Brexit done, and only the Conservatives who can stop

Jeremy Corbyn – a man declared by the Chief Rabbi of the United Kingdom unfit to lead this country.

AN: Are you fit to lead, Mr Johnson? Who are you to judge anyone else’s record on respecting minorities, given your own history of discriminatory remarks? You have referred to residents of Commonwealth countries as “flag-waving piccaninnies” with “watermelon smiles”.

BJ: Well, I…

AN: You have called gay men “tank-topped bum boys”.

BJ: If I may…

AN: You compared Muslim women to bank-robbers and letterboxes.

BJ: What I would say is…

AN: You’ve described children of single mothers as “ill-raised, ignorant, aggressive and illegitimate”

BJ: I have never intended to cause any offence.

AN: Well cause offence you obviously did. So will you apologise for these remarks?

BJ: I’m a great believer in free speech...

AN: Will you say sorry to all the people you have insulted?

BJ: What I want to focus on – and I think this is what matters most to the voters – is my party’s excellent manifesto for this election, our determination to strengthen our United Kingdom and the absolute assurance that we will get Br...

AN: We’re out of time Mr Johnson, I’ll have to stop you there.

Staccato strings, credits roll