THE Conservatives don’t really need a manifesto for the 2019 General Election. The party and the legions of Big Business from whom they traditionally draw their financial oxygen have been writing it since 2016 when Britain chose to leave the European Union. Of course they’ll make the usual promises about education and the NHS and climate change, as all parties are expected to do, but this is mere confetti and subordinate to the new order.
The big ideas and philosophy of this ultra-Conservatism have been taken on a grand tour of England these last few years and England, it seems, likes what it sees. Leaving the EU, no matter the price or consequences, has been elevated from an intriguing prospect to an article of faith to which absolute loyalty must be given on pain of excommunication.
More than 20 Tory MPs have already been cast to the outer wilderness for sinning against this commandment and every Tory candidate at this election has been compelled to give unswerving allegiance to it.
It’s in the glossary of words and phrases that we’ve been given a glimpse of Boris Johnson’s ultra-Conservatism. Jacob Rees-Mogg gave this an airing at the last two Tory party conferences with references to Trafalgar and Waterloo. The Tory faithful loved it and when asked about the prospect of losing Scotland as the price for leaving the EU most have been in agreement: Taxi for Scotland.
READ MORE: Here are five SNP BAD stories you’re bound to hear this campaign
Johnson himself provided a hint of the England he is hoping to shape as he responded to Jeremy Corbyn’s eye-catching proposal to provide high-quality broadband for every UK household and tax the big tech companies to pay for it. The howls of protest were similar to those which greeted the establishment of the NHS. Johnson called it a crackpot idea and derided it as communism.
Those who stand to gain most from this genuinely transformative policy cheered when Johnson said this. The Tory leader knows that in this febrile atmosphere he can get away with just about anything.
The conservative commentator Peter Oborne lamented the failure of UK Big Media to expose Johnson’s falsehoods and inaccuracies. He cited conversations he’d had with senior BBC executives who felt that it was bad form to shed light on these lies as to do so might undermine the office of prime minister and thus damage the country’s reputation abroad.
This has not surprised those of us who have observed the BBC’s efforts at impartiality in the 2017 election and in this one. It’s the knowledge that this is effectively official BBC policy that makes Oborne’s revelation quite shocking.
READ MORE: Kevin McKenna: Independence is vital to escape putrid sewer of UK
Who needs something as trivial and unimportant as a manifesto when everything you say is taken at face value; when evidence of criminality in your Brexit campaign is cheerfully overlooked; when questions about your connections to the Putin regime are so easily and unquestioningly shelved?
The Tories could base their manifesto on the works of the Marquis de Sade and no-one in the English-based media would flinch, just so long as we’re “getting Brexit done”. Ruth Davidson is obviously eager to fill her robust Territorial Army boots while the going is good and you can’t really blame her.
Based on a series of high-level leaks and covert briefings, The National’s Electoral Forecast Unit has been able to stitch together a fair approximation of what the Conservative Party manifesto will look like when it’s published next week. Here are a few eye-catching highlights.
LIMB BANKS
Based on the outstanding success of the food bank sector these limb banks will be available for those who won’t be able to afford NHS procedures once the Americans have creamed off the most profitable parts. Loads of old codgers are dying all the time, many of them with artificial legs and shiny new hips.
We’ll just lop them off before burial or cremation and make them available to the Trussell Trust at their food banks for any of their lame clients. We’ll even throw in leftover and unused pharmaceuticals.
I’M A CANCER PATIENT GET ME OUT OF HERE
The plan here would be to organise local game shows featuring cancer and heart patients who are at the back of the NHS waiting queues. Contestants (and their carers) can have great fun in local woodlands as they undergo a series of challenging bushwhacker trials such as constructing a bivouac from old settees and burnt tyres or attempting to get free from a wheelchair while submerged in a local canal. Thus, we can make triumph from adversity and help build community spirit.
EXTEMPORARY NAVY RECRUITMENT FACILITATORS
When Britannia ruled the waves, the spirit of Trafalgar didn’t just happen by accident. Liberal historians have since tried to depict the press gangs which helped young British men into the Royal Navy as cruel and barbaric. But this was the making of these chaps and helped lift them out of poverty, especially when they died.
As Britain prepares to embark on its great Brexit adventure she’ll require the services of a new generation of men with limited employment opportunities as it seeks to exploit new markets amongst its old colonial haunts.
THE PASSPORT GAMES
To help reach our as-yet-to-be-decided target (it’ll be small) of net immigration, each town and village will be required to make an immigration census.
To help make this happen we pledge to undertake an ambitious programme of detention centre-building to accommodate those who don’t pass the new citizenship exams. Those who don’t make the cut will have a second chance of getting into the country by playing off in a grand football tournament, a sort of immigration World Cup.
NEW CITIZENSHIP EXAMS
There’s long been some disquiet at how easy it is to pass these tests. We have become a laughing stock among our French, Italian and Hungarian neighbours for making it so easy for dodgy overseas types to become UK citizens Our new, much more realistic and robust, citizenship exam, will be a true test of an applicant’s Britishness. Among the specimen questions will be: Name each member of the triumphant Old Carthusians team when they won the FA Cup in 1881. Memorise and recite one of Shakespeare’s tragedies from beginning to end. Write a 5000-word dissertation on the causes and effects of the Magna Carta.
Our manifesto is designed to make Britain fit to meet the challenges that lie ahead. For the Few, Not the Many.
Why are you making commenting on The National only available to subscribers?
We know there are thousands of National readers who want to debate, argue and go back and forth in the comments section of our stories. We’ve got the most informed readers in Scotland, asking each other the big questions about the future of our country.
Unfortunately, though, these important debates are being spoiled by a vocal minority of trolls who aren’t really interested in the issues, try to derail the conversations, register under fake names, and post vile abuse.
So that’s why we’ve decided to make the ability to comment only available to our paying subscribers. That way, all the trolls who post abuse on our website will have to pay if they want to join the debate – and risk a permanent ban from the account that they subscribe with.
The conversation will go back to what it should be about – people who care passionately about the issues, but disagree constructively on what we should do about them. Let’s get that debate started!
Callum Baird, Editor of The National
Comments: Our rules
We want our comments to be a lively and valuable part of our community - a place where readers can debate and engage with the most important local issues. The ability to comment on our stories is a privilege, not a right, however, and that privilege may be withdrawn if it is abused or misused.
Please report any comments that break our rules.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel