BEHIND every great man is a great woman. And behind every shit man are scores of women he has pissed off. Or so the saying goes.
It’s all been kicking off in the “Ex-Lovers of Boris Johnson” group chat this week.
Not least because the group admin has had a nightmare trying to manage the sheer number of them wanting to join and share their stories about the eventful minutes they spent in his bed.
As questions were raised about Johnson’s links to tech entrepreneur Jennifer Arcuri (and aides wondered whether to get him a card to mark his 100th rumoured infidelity) some people had the cheek to suggest that Boris Johnson might have a problem with women.
This perception of our Prime Minister wasn’t helped when The Sunday Times journalist Charlotte Edwardes wrote in her newspaper column about an incident from 1999, where she claimed that Boris Johnson groped her at an event.
Boris Johnson strongly denied Charlotte Edwardes’ accusation, which put us all in very awkward position. Because at the end of the day, it’s all a bit “he said, she said” isn’t it? Just who are we to believe? The respected journalist or the Prime Minister who can’t even answer honestly about how many children he has fathered? It’s a conundrum for sure.
Still, Boris Johnson categorically DOES NOT have a problem with women. How could he? He knows women, for Christ sake. Some of his best friends are women. He probably even has a daughter or two,
or three ...
It’s not fair to judge a man on his private life anyway. For every lover whose hairbrush he has stolen and heart he has broken, there are many women in his professional life who will tell you what a great guy he is. Most of them are on his payroll, but still. They COUNT.
One woman who might not be feeling the Boris love at the moment is Nicola Sturgeon.
Fresh from attempting to usher her into her own house in a macho display of overcompensation, Johnson risked the ire of the first minister again when he told a Tory fringe event that he didn’t want her “anywhere near” a UN summit on climate change next year.
It was surprisingly, though not uncharacteristically, undiplomatic from the Prime Minister – not least because the event is being held in Glasgow. You’d think he’d want Nicola Sturgeon right by his side so he could pretend the crowds were booing at her and not him.
There is something quite remarkable about a Tory Prime Minister telling the First Minister of Scotland to stay away from an event being held in Scotland. And when I say remarkable what I mean is: batshit crazy. It is so arrogant and so indicative of a weak, thin-skinned and easily-spooked man that only Boris Johnson could suggest something so monumentally stupid thinking it made him look tough.
Just what it is about the takes-no-shit, unashamedly feminist Nicola Sturgeon that Boris Johnson finds so intimidating? More to the point, does he seriously expect her to bend to his will? Boris Johnson might not even be Prime Minister come Christmas, yet here is he is, waving his willy around and expecting women to take him seriously. Eton has a lot to answer for.
Of course, that wasn’t his only demand. He went on to say that he would tolerate a few Saltires at the summit, but his preference would be for the Union Jack to feature far more prominently than Scotland’s flag.
Scotland is known for its hospitality but does anybody else feel like he’s stretching the boundaries of our generosity a wee bit?
Like, no worries, son. Anything else you’d like from us to make your visit more comfortable? A wee dram? Lewis Capaldi in your hotel room as a singing alarm clock? You want us to blast the clouds with a laser beam so the rain doesn’t fall and ruin your signature hairstyle?
Honestly, it’s no bother. You name it, we’ll deliver. Sturgeon will comply, your poll ratings will be high and aye: pigs will fly.
A spokeswoman for the First Minister responded to Boris Johnson’s comments saying: “Boris Johnson certainly sounded like he was enjoying himself at the Tory drinks reception – but out in the real world people will be deeply embarrassed to hear their Prime Minister acting so childishly.”
Which we all know is polite, Government-speak for “Go home, Boris. You’re drunk.”
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