JACKSON Carlaw kicked off FMQs by complaining to Nicola Sturgeon that Thursday’s statement on the Named Person policy had not been delivered the previous day. He said it meant that he wasn’t “properly briefed” to question the First Minister.

I’m not sure Nicola Sturgeon could have been expected to know this would cause Carlaw such heartache, given not being properly briefed isn’t ordinarily of great concern to the Scottish Tories.

“There was Tory opposition business yesterday afternoon”, the First Minister gently reminded him, to which Jackson Carlaw replied that his party were always happy to rearrange their business to hold the government to account.

Fair play to Jackson Carlaw for having the brass neck to whine about Government scrutiny when his Boris Johnson is currently holed up in Wetherspoons with a snakebite and a fake moustache trying to hide from MPs.

Carlaw should count his fecking blessings. Taking a daunder along the corridor to the Holyrood chamber is far less hassle than having to drag the government of the day to the Supreme Court to hold them to account.

Richard Leonard went on university funding.

“THERE HAS BEEN A PATTERN OF CUTS,” he shouted, because shouting is his BEST thing. In response to his demand for a 2% increase in university funding, Nicola Sturgeon offered to review his spending proposals if he could tell her where in the Scottish budget he’d get that extra money from.

Leonard, naturally, started shouting again and he did so with all eloquence and gravitas of a drunk wedding singer.

It’s odd because the louder Richard Leonard bellows across the chamber, the more I struggle to understand what he is saying.

I did manage to catch a few words though.

“Mumble mumble roar BREXIT! Corbyn for PM, waaaaaa, REMAIN!” In response Nicola Sturgeon quipped that she’d just heard Labour’s 452nd position on Brexit. To which somebody in the press gallery could be heard whispering “I thought it was more than that to be honest.” Before sitting down, Nicola Sturgeon took a second to indulge in her favourite pastime: kicking the Scottish Labour leader when he is already down. “His rambling incoherent series of questions to me demonstrates why he will never stand here answering questions as first minister. He has zero credibility.”

What is FMQs without a question on independence and the predictable yowls of anger from the Unionist sides of the chamber?

It’s always my favourite bit in an otherwise dull parliamentary event.

It goes something like this.

Nicola Sturgeon is asked about INDEPENDENCE and then the Scottish Tories shout at her to STOP BANGING ON ABOUT INDEPENDENCE AND GET BACK TO THE DAY JOB.

And this day – when the worst kept secret in politics was revealed and we heard straight from the pig’s mouth that David Cameron HAD asked the Queen to intervene in the independence referendum – was no exception.

“I’m struck by the barracking and heckling,” said Nicola Sturgeon, as she gestured to the Tory benches. “The louder they get the more panicked they are. If they are so confident that people don’t want independence, then why are they running so scared of a second referendum?”

Ah, but maybe it’s a double-bluff? Perhaps the recent chat coming from Scottish Tories about rigging the question and franchise for indyref2 is a smokescreen for how massively CONFIDENT and TOTALLY CALM they are feeling about the prospect of the people of Scotland having their say.

Or maybe they are just big fearties who can feel their precious union crumbling beneath their feet.

I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions, dear readers.