FOLLOWING several weeks of legal argument The National is now at liberty to publish the full and unredacted version of Operation Yellowhammer. We humbly crave our readers’ pardon in advance for choosing to make our own redactions.

After a full and frank editorial discussion it was felt that a) some passages were simply too dangerous to publish as doing so could undermine the security of the realm and cause completely understandable and totally justified panic and b) the language was a little too fructose for a family newspaper, if you catch our drift.

Operation Yellowhammer weighs in at a hefty 42 pages and it falls to me to make the necessary cuts and abrasions. Previously, the Westminster Government had claimed that the provisions made were a “worst-case” Brexit scenario and thus merely constituted a proportionate response by a competent government to a turbid and potentially fast-changing situation.

The National can now reveal for the first time that it all depends what you mean by “worst-case”. In the south-east of England and in Tory marginals these are indeed “worst-case” scenarios. The further north you get though “worst-case” soon gives way to “slightly-more-likely-to-be-the-case” in the Midlands and “significantly-more-likely-to-be-the-case” in the North East of England.

In Wales it becomes “who-gives-a-flying-f***-what-the-case-is”, a regrettable deployment of a deplorable locution which we have of course redacted … but you get the general thrust.

As we pass over the Border to Scotland all pretence is dropped and it becomes “let’s-sincerely-hope-it-is-the-case”. The National can also reveal that there are several other smaller operations under the aegis of Yellowhammer which deal with the specific threats and proposed solutions.

At this point it’s only right that we pay tribute to the skill, tenacity and dedication of our lawyers Messrs MacPherson, Sproat and Boag and to the self-sacrifice of Ms Joanna Cherry QC. A crowd-funder to meet Ms Cherry’s legal costs following her arrest last night on a charge of High Treason can be found at the end of this article.


Fuel shortages

OBVIOUSLY these will happen within the first few weeks of a No-Deal Brexit as oil firms who haven’t prepared for such a scenario get snagged up in mainland Europe and the Suez Canal. To counteract this and to plug any revenue holes we’ve drawn up emergency legislation to force all firms operating in the North Sea to hike their oil prices worldwide to keep the taxes rolling in. We’ve also infiltrated the Iranian Air Force to keep the pressure up on Saudi oilfields in the event that we need to remove the competition. And anyway, we should all be stretching our legs a bit and keeping our eye on greenhouse emissions. So why is everyone getting upset about the prospect of fuel shortages? Isn’t this what all you Greta Thunberg junkies were hoping for, what? Rather.

Food shortages

IT’S not anticipated that these will be very significant and where they do occur will likely be in those neighbourhoods where, not to put too fine a point on it, they’re used to going without for a few days here and there. Fortunately, the previous administration under the perceptive guidance of Theresa May anticipated this and thus put in place stiff austerity measures in our edgier communities to prepare them for the challenges of No-Deal. We have also invited the good Mr Trussell Trust, the well-known community grocer, to be on hand should there be any shortages of essential comestibles in the usual locations.

Medicine shortages

ONCE more we need regrettably to aver that claims of shortages in this vital area of life and death are exaggerated. Nevertheless, in those areas beyond even the ministrations of the aforementioned Mr Trust and where death from starvation and malnourishment might be expected, we have instructed the local law enforcement communities and drug squads to stand down and to adopt a more laissez-faire attitude to the trafficking and supply of Toot, Candy, Dimitri, Scoop and Thunder in the usual neighbourhoods. This will mean that in the uncertain period before the starvation rates begin to recede to pre-Brexit levels, at-risk communities can go out on all sorts of newly legal highs.


WITHOUT seeking to cause alarm there is a mild risk that in those areas where police resources are stretched, packs of opportunists could come together in common cause like the Purge movie franchise. In such cases we advise that concerned members of the public make for public spaces or even your local zoos. We’ve been working clandestinely with Sir David Attenborough to remove some of the bigger and more irascible beasties to safe havens in African nature reserves where they can jouk around with their cousins until all this blows over. The cages and compounds that formerly housed them should provide a degree of comfort and shelter, with feeding times by arrangement with the head keeper.


MOST fair-minded people would agree that what sets Britain apart from the rest of the world is our ability to keep our peckers up in the darkest moments. Thus arrangements have been put in place with Lord Sebastian Coe and his organising committee for the 2012 London Olympics to stage a series of community games. In the unlikely-ish event of all the above worst-case scenarios actually occurring, the worst-affected neighbourhoods would elect young and virile champions (on an inclusive, racially diverse and gender-balanced basis) to represent them in a series of games for essential food parcel drops. The winners will be invited to a special ceremony overseen by HM The Queen and Prince Edward whose previous experience in It’s A Royal Knockout will come in handy.


SHOULD the worst actually come to the worst and there is a complete breakdown of law and order and civilised society, we have placed all the regular army units on a state of high alert and have asked our former colleague Ruth Davidson to initiate her paintball training routines in the Campsie Fells with her old chums in the Territorial Army. It would be irresponsible of HM Government not to plan for a worst-case scenario in such circumstances. Thus those unpredictable jurisdictions deemed to be Category Red like Manchester, Birmingham and Glasgow will be subject to martial law. They’ll be sealed off by 10-foot walls patrolled by armed guards and waterways like the River Clyde will be mined with incendiary devices to deter all attempts at escape. History has shown that these places are those most likely to get truculent when the balloon goes up and it’s best not to take any chances.