SO the judges have spoken – they say the prorogation was illegal, and the Government lied to the Queen about why they were doing it. But what do judges know about things like evidence and facts and law? And how dare they interfere with our great leader’s plans to implement the will of the people by any means necessary?

Some commentators are saying that if the Supreme Court agrees with the Court of Session’s ruling, the Prime Minister will have to recall parliament, or resign, or throw himself in a ditch. What those people don’t seem to understand is that these are extraordinary times, which call for an extraordinary leader. A leader who isn’t like all those other namby-pamby politicians. A leader who is a real person, just like you and me – except stronger and cleverer, obviously. A leader who will go to the EU summit and square up to his opponents, humiliating the girly swots who want to keep the peace in Europe because they’re rubbish at fighting, and banging together any heads that are buried in negative impact assessments.

It doesn’t matter what some wig-wearing smart-arses say, because experts were cancelled back in 2016, messy hair is trending, and most people agree that just bloody well getting on with it should be the guiding principle of British democracy. Just ask anyone. Ask them “do you want Brexit to go on forever?” and they will say “no, I want a blue passport and I want it now, before I retire to Spain”.

The National:

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In fact, many people are saying – I’m not saying this, but many people are saying – that surely we don’t need opposition MPs at all. That all they seem to do is obstruct progress, and raise difficult questions about things that don’t matter such as Ireland, or food supplies, or reciprocal free healthcare. I’m just saying what people are saying – that’s what people are saying. They’re saying we’re paying far too much money for people to park their bottoms on green benches and harp on in a relentlessly negative way about Britain’s future, all the while no doubt merrily claiming expenses for duck houses and big girl’s blouses.

People are asking “couldn’t we be using the money we fritter away on MPs’ wages to build more hospitals, or repair crumbling schools, or provide more police to stand behind the Prime Minister when he is announcing new policies, or new wars, or special days when all laws are suspended and packs of Tories can go out and hunt EU citizens who’ve been denied permanent resident status?”

Can all these people be wrong? It seems unlikely. I’m just telling you what they’re saying. It’s called democracy – look it up.

Usually the courts keep their noses out of politics, following the principle of “margin of appreciation”. Now that they’ve started meddling, it’s clear many people don’t appreciate it one little bit. Just ask Business Minister, Kwasi Kwarteng – he’s got his ear to the ground. If our Prime Minister is one of the people, which he is, and the judges want to push him around, which they do, then aren’t those judges enemies of the people? An attack on one of us is an attack on all, even if the one being attacked is clearly superior to everyone else. Are we going to stand for this democratic outrage? Or are we going to shut down the courts and hand sentencing powers directly to the people’s Justice Secretary? He can start by sentencing the previous justice secretary to 10 years’ hard labour for rebellion against the people’s Government.

The National: Boris Johnson attends a history lesson at Pimlico Primary School in south-west London

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We can all relate to being unfairly targeted and persecuted just for trying to do the right thing. It’s like the time your grandmother had a fall and you were fined for speeding to her home to make sure you were mentioned in the will. Or when you got detention for trying to punch some manly pride into a classmate who got an A for his essay about a Shakespearean sonnet. If following the rules is wrong, sometimes you don’t want to be right. That’s real leadership. That’s what happens when you put principle, not procedure, first.

Many people are saying – I’m not saying this, but many people are – that we don’t need a General Election at all, because it’s clear the current Prime Minister knows best and cares passionately about Great Britain and all the people in it. By expelling some MPs, and driving others to resign, he has shown he is willing to put people before party, pride before pragmatism. There can surely be no greater role model for our children, and their children’s children, who may end up with rickets due to a lack of fresh vegetables but will be free to play British Bulldog in their school playgrounds, liberated from the health and safety obsession of limp-wristed EU bureaucrats.

So let’s show these so-called experts and biased judges and gullible monarch who’s boss – it’s you and me and the Prime Minister. Mostly the Prime Minister, because we’re a bit busy at the moment stockpiling multivitamins and cancelling travel plans. Fortunately we can trust one person – one big strong man with a plan – to look out for us many little people. What could possibly go wrong?