FIRST of all, let me introduce the new members of my Cabinet. As you all know, I was keen to heal the divisions that have rent our great nation asunder these last few years and thus I have reached across the political divide to include members of other parties and from outside the political bubble. This will send a message to the British people that we can beat our swords into ploughshares and … um, ah … use them to bash Johnny Foreigner over the head.

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So, would you all please welcome Ann Widdecombe and Nigel Farage from the Brexit Party; Ian Paisley Jnr and Sammy Wilson from the DUP; General Sir Stanley Herbert-Cuthbertson who becomes our new Foreign Secretary and Jim Davidson, our new Brexit Continuity Minister. Bringing up the rear (no tittering at the back there) is my old pater himself, Stanley Johnson, who I’ve put in charge of Irish backstop negotiations. Jacob Rees-Mogg is our new Scotland Secretary and will join us for lunch after he gets back from his shooting holiday in Perthshire as a guest of Sheikh Ar-Malite, our preferred cash-for-arms partner.

Colleagues, there’s no point in denying that the waters will be getting a little choppy over the next few months. Like suppurating boils on the backsides of crazed wildebeest, our opponents have sought to infect our discourse with lies and deceit. During this time we can do without unnecessary distractions and so I’ve asked General Cuthbert-Herbertson to impose a dawn-til-dusk curfew in those scurrilous townships that voted Remain.

Mr Davidson, our new solicitor-general, has agreed to suspend habeas corpus and bring in trials without juries for the duration of this period of emergency. This worked well in Northern Ireland in the 1970s where it helped defeat the paddies. Daddy, you’ll be responsible for locking up the usual suspects and people called Brendan, Michael, Sean, Damian, Kevin and Aloysius. Jacob will supply a list of truculent Catholic aristocrats whose mansions include priest-holes.

You will all notice in your bundles a map of the tunnels running underneath this place just in case we need to leave in a hurry. There’s also a list of approved financial advisers for those of you who haven’t yet secured a safe haven for your poppy.

The National:

Obviously, we need to get Brexit over the line as it’s been hanging around us with vertiginous malignancy like Tesco wine at a garden party. Ann is making plans for Operation Valise. This involves filling a couple of hundred suitcases with used £20 notes and crossing the greasy mitts of the frog customs officers with them so that they let our lorries through on a nod and a wink. Obviously, there may still be delays in getting vital medicines into the country. This, though, needn’t be a problem as it will stimulate a bull market in these items. The editors of the Telegraph, Express and Times have been briefed to sell this as a positive sign of a vibrant economy.

If things threaten to get out of hand, the general and I have drawn up a list of potential wars we can instigate throughout the Middle East and the usual small African republics. A wide assortment of fissile materials is readily available on eBay these days so we can hang the old WMD justification around any blighter’s neck if needs be.

The chief of the defence staff has informed me that our fighting forces are badly depleted as a result of pinko influence in matters of national security. Those days are over. I am thus restoring the practice of press-ganging, which was crucial in helping us build our once-magnificent empire. Thus, hand-picked SaS teams will tour selected towns in the north-west of England and in the Portsmouth area to, er … “secure” the services of local men of fighting age. These people all voted for Brexit so it’s now time for them to put their money where their bouches are.

As for Scotland, there have been reports that the verminous Jocks are threatening to break away once more. I don’t care overmuch for the Jocko grievance monkeys, but losing a quarter of the kingdom at this stage would seem like carelessness. Jacob, the old classicist, has advised that we take a leaf out of the playbook of Nero and Caligula and simply declare a three-month long bacchanal of Highland Games and happy hours and public executions of local ne’er-do-wells. That ought to keep them occupied for the foreseeable. The usual useful idiots in the Labour Party like Brown, Darling and Robertson have agreed to protect the Union again and will hand-pick suitable chieftains for the proceedings. We’ll also extend the practice of selling honours to selected divisional police commanders and local magistrates in exchange for locking up the usual suspects or looking the other way when required.

The National:

All my predecessors failed to control numbers of illegal immigrants but I don’t intend to let this side-track me from my aim of providing British jobs for British workers. Even daft old Gordon agreed with me on that one. Thus, plans to requisition Rockall, St Kilda and Gruinard Island and turn them into holding centres for obstreperous fuzzy-wuzzies are at an advanced stage.

OBVIOUSLY, we need to win hearts and minds if we want to gain a measure of public approval going forward. Thus, Nigel our new Education Secretary has drawn up reforms in the teaching of history and modern studies in all schools and universities. Up until now, the Telegraph, The Times and the red-tops have done a grand job selling the unsellable to the masses. The challenge now is to win the future narrative, too, by telling our children and young people how Britain was at its best when it stood alone and plundered nations.

For too long the Trots have got away with telling everyone how they were responsible for universal suffrage, workers’ rights and the NHS. It’s now time to hit back and tell how none of this would have happened without the generosity of spirit of an essentially decent ruling class.

They could have sent in the dragoons and turned the canons on these greedy oiks but instead chose to preserve peace and good order at great personal sacrifice.

Meanwhile, in exchange for dropping all of our poisoning inquiries my new chum Vladimir Putin has agreed to announce that Jeremy Corbyn is a master spy working on behalf of the Kremlin. And I’m delighted to announce that Tony Blair has agreed to return as leader of the Labour Party and keep the hordes in check. My other new chum Steve Bannon will be available all week to take you all through your speeches.