AS Theresa May headed home after an emotional visit to Scotland, a mole got in touch to share what appears to be a recording of the Prime Minister rehearsing the first draft of her big speech. Was her Plan A to woo us back by laying it on factor-50 thick?

SCOTLAND, I know it’s probably too late, but I wanted to pull you for one last chat to see if there’s any chance we can salvage this relationship.

I’ve had a look at the results of the public vote and they’re not reassuring at all, but I know we once had something good. So while it seems like you might have already moved on, please hear me out.

I understand that the trust has gone – and I accept you have good reasons not to trust me. When you wanted to talk, and work through the UK’s challenges together and avoid the disaster, I wanted to get to know other countries. I even wanted to chat to non-EU countries about the possibility of recoupling further down the line.

Deep down, I was scared you were going to reject the UK regardless of what I did. So I pushed you away. I’m sorry.

You wanted to compromise, but I wouldn’t listen. I was too preoccupied with my tan lines – I mean my red lines – and I didn’t want to hear it. But I’m listening now. What can I do to make it up to you? I’m ready to graft as hard as I need to, and do whatever it takes to protect my legacy ... I mean, our precious union. Well, everything within reason.

I’ll make you coffee every morning. You can rub sun block into the UK’s broad shoulders and if there’s enough left over when you’ve finished we’ll let you have your “block grant”. I’ll sleep outside and be eaten alive by midges to prove how much you mean to me. I’ll sew a Union flag on your pillow to remind you that there’s no escape ... I mean, to remind you how much I love you.

READ MORE: Here are 10 of the most cringeworthy lines from May’s Scottish speech

I’ll admit that when I was away from you my head was turned. I held hands with Donald Trump and it wasn’t even part of a challenge. I followed my heart, and I thought I was being true to myself, but now I realise that it’s you I wanted all along. I took you for granted and I mugged you off, in front of everyone. I really hope it’s not too late to patch things up.

In the time we were apart, when I was telling everyone about our perfect coupling while being spurned, mocked and humiliated on the world stage, something clicked.

I realised that I had been lying to myself, I’d been lying to everybody, and worst of all I’d been lying to you, because any time anyone had asked us if our relationship was perfect and really good, I’d said yeah, it was. I said our relationship was absolutely fantastic, there was nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

I’ve been lying about that. Our relationship has stuff which we need to work on. It really does, and I’ve lied and said it hasn’t. I would like to sort out the things which I feel are just – they’re not wrong with our relationship, but things we can work on and make better.

I’m going to be upfront and honest with you because I don’t want to build anything on lies with you. And I have been lying from the start.

I’ve put my feelings before yours. And I’m really really sorry. The main thing is – and this is going to be the hardest now because of what I’ve just done – is trusting in the relationship.

I want you to trust that if the UK is determined to waltz off the edge of a cliff, that’s exactly what our nations will do – together, entwined, joined by a bond never to be broken.

That’s what true love is all about. Sticking together through thick and thin. Making mistakes together. Ignoring your Irish pal who is telling you take off the rose-tinted glasses, stand up for yourself, and run for the hills. She’s just jealous of what we have.

I’m ordering a review into how we relate to each other and, more importantly, how our relationship is perceived by the viewing and voting public. It’s important for you to understand how much I care about you and how much I do for you, even if it might seem like I ignore and disrespect you at every opportunity.

I want everyone to see how much we need to be coupled up, so that we can cling together for these final few weeks before I fade into obscurity and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

What next for your relationship with the UK? Well, we might find out today if either of my successors want to stay with you for the right reasons, rather than just out of duty or – worse still – for tactical and financial advantage.

I have to warn you, there could be heartbreak ahead. Don’t expect flowers or romantic dinners. I doubt either of them is getting ready to sweep you off your feet, or even pick up their share of the tab. You’ll be lucky to get a fish supper and a can of Diet Irn-Bru. They’ll never love you like I did.

From now on, get used to applying your own sun block. And watch your back.