IT’S been a week which saw the aliens who monitor the progress of the human race scratching their baldy green heads in bafflement.

We had a Tory leadership debate that descended into farce. So much so, that when Rory Stewart started undressing halfway through, nobody seemed overly concerned or even surprised. Michael Gove – who, as we all know, is the extraterrestrial’s representative on Earth – continued to malfunction.

The spacecraft, which has been circling the solar system for millennia, couldn’t resist zooming to the edge of our atmosphere for a closer look.

There had been some disturbance on the radar for many weeks. It came in the form of a blonde, tousle-haired toff with a plummy accent and no discernible skills. This on its own was no great surprise to the aliens – they’ve long studied Eton and its curious ways.

The confusion here was that all the data they had collected suggested that the people of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland were about to have this blob of custard thrust upon them as prime minister.

And so: down, down, down they flew...

Meanwhile, in the Holyrood chamber, a galactic-sized conspiracy was unearthed during FMQs. It may have passed you by. More likely, you fell asleep and missed it entirely. Nobody could blame you: FMQs serves mainly as a cure for insomnia these days.

But Shona Robison let it slip and now we all know.

The National: Opposition politicians have expressed gratitude to outgoing Health Secretary Shona Robison, despite having recently called for her to resign

She asked the First Minister if she agreed that Scotland’s space industry is of vital importance to our economy and is showcasing our expertise.

She evidently hoped to curry favour with our alien overlords, but they were elsewhere, mesmerised as Boris Johnson struggled to do up his shirt buttons.

Robison asked: “Does she therefore share my disappointment with the decision by the Natural Environment Research Council – overseen by the UK Government – to withdraw funding for Scotland’s only satellite receiving centre at Dundee University?”

Robinson said the centre had been praised for its work by Nasa and the decision brought the future of the centre into question.

Reader, I smelled a rat.

You see, while there has been some disquiet over the timing of indyref2, and whether the SNP has been forceful enough in pursuing it, I had remained optimistic.

I knew Nicola Sturgeon had been working behind the scenes on a plan that would save us all from Westminster-imposed Armageddon and it seems, I was right.

Enter: Unilateral Declaration of Independence from Planet Earth (UDIPE).

It makes sense. Why would we hang around here negotiating with PM Boris Johnson over our right to self-determination when we could just as easily jump on a spaceship and create our new country in peace? Especially when you consider that Pluto has a similar climate to Scotland.

But it seems the UK Government has gotten wind of our devilish plan and intervened the only way they know how: by cutting the budget

My theory was all but confirmed by Sturgeon at FMQs when she said she was “somewhat constrained in what I can say and what I can disclose in terms of the content of ongoing commercial discussions” (with the Alien High Council, presumably).

She said there was “huge potential” of the space and satellite industry in Scotland and that we had a “visible presence in the space sector globally”.

“More small satellites are manufactured in Glasgow than any other place in Europe, and almost of one-fifth of the UK’s space sector jobs rest here in Scotland.”

After FMQs I pursued my theory with some of my SNP sources. While none could confirm our upcoming intergalactic road trip, they didn’t deny it either.

Once we get the funding sorted out it’s all systems go for UDIPE. And we needn’t worry about the aliens pulling a Spain and threatening to bar our entry. They’ve seen who will soon be ruling over us and they’re already getting out the blow-up beds.