THE Tory talentless contest moved onto the next round of live shows and 0.2 percent of the population were salivating with anticipation.

Avid politics-watchers were anxious to finally get a glimpse of that most elusive of Tory beasts: The Double-Barrelled Blonde Tit.

The sleekit and cowardly creature had avoided the questions of journalists so far but was eventually coaxed down from his tree with the promise of a tasty treat.

Boris Johnson’s campaign got a boost hours before the BBC debate when he received 126 votes in the second ballot. An impressive feat, I think you’d agree. Especially when you consider he’d only promised Cabinet jobs to 100 of them.

Back in the studio, the lads were suited and booted for their big night out. Perched atop impossibly high stools and with legs spread wider than the Forth, the awkward squad looked like geography teachers at a swinger’s party.

If Hunt, Javid, and Gove were the heavy-breathing onlookers, then Johnson and Stewart were the studs. They were the two we were all waiting to see. It was clown car versus wild card and the stakes were high.

There was a hope that Rory Stewart would live up to his James Bond credentials and deal with Boris Johnson swiftly and without mercy. But he wasn’t the only one who wanted a shot at him...

"BORIS! BORIS!" they yelped over one another. "Can I just ask Boris a question?"

"Emily, can I ask him something pleeease?" This unmoderated frenzy was a gift to Johnson, who just sat back and watched the clock tick down until his trotters were up in No 10.

Amidst the feeding frenzy, Emily Maitlis looked like she was bitterly regretting her career choices and decision to turn up to this event sober. Though she tried to make sense of the hubbub, her attempts at moderation were largely ignored by five men who had long since decided that they would shout their way to Downing Street.

Boris Johnson, billed as the star attraction, was uncharacteristically quiet. Like Ronan Keating, our next prime minister says it best when he says nothing at all.

Michael Gove spoke about cold porridge and tried to connect with voters by looking down the camera lens. Unfortunately for the technicians that operate his electro-skeleton behind the scenes, they’d set their creation to EARNEST rather than NORMAL HUMAN BEING. Still, at least they didn’t accidentally hit the button marked "clap" because we all know how that would have gone.

Rory Stewart spoke about a door, finding the key to the door and walking through the door. He wasn’t the only one frantically looking for an exit.

Jeremy Hunt reminded us that his wife is Chinese, just in case we’d forgotten.

Sajid Javid had his sights set on Rory Stewart, as the two plucky underdogs battled it out for the coveted 4th place. To this end, he whined a lot and slapped his thighs in exasperation. As the end of the debate drew closer, Emily Maitlis was still battling on: "We can’t hear when you all talk over each other. Please, we can’t hear. We can’t hear… "

Her efforts – though admirable – were based on the incorrect belief that by that point, anybody cared. We just wanted it to be over. We wanted to go back to simpler times when Krishnan Guru-Murthy was in charge and there was a semblance of order in our lives.

We were tired. Our heads were hurting. We were absolutely smashed on the Tory sound bite drinking game. And the worst part? We’ve got to do it all over again at the Sky news debate. If Kay Burley has any sense, she will do what Emily Maitlis should have done, and show up with a pint of whisky and a very pointy stick.