KNOWING that FMQs would be a masterclass in avoiding the red, white and blue elephant in the room from the opposition leaders, I was reluctant to tune in this week.
Just before it started, I was on course to beat my personal best of 47 minutes of continuous hula-hooping. Despite the aches, pains and spectacular bruises that come with my new hobby, it is still far more enjoyable than FMQs.
All politicians should learn to hula hoop. It requires concentration, endurance and being comfortable with looking a bit silly (one out of three ain’t bad, Ruth). But Ruth Davidson wouldn’t have the focus for it. She would just be getting into the rhythm of the twirl before her mind wandered back to the question of a second independence referendum. The hoop would clatter to the ground, forgotten about, while she ran to the nearest TV station to talk about her one and only policy.
I’ve heard rumours that she had planned to ask about indyref2 at FMQs this week, but Sajid Javid wouldn’t give his permission for her to pursue that line of questioning.
Instead, she went on NHS waiting times. It passed by unremarkably, save for her boldly asking if Jeane Freeman would be resigning if the targets weren’t met. At this point, MSPs started shouting and laughing. I couldn’t hear exactly what was said, but it sounded a lot like "Chris Grayling".
Richard Leonard would probably welcome the zen-like state that the hula hoop induces. Anything to forget about his party’s woeful EU election results and the resignation of two of his front bench spokesmen. He might soon need a hobby, as the rumblings of disquiet over his leadership intensify. Give me a shout, Richard – I’ll help you out.
Leonard, who at this point has about as much authority over his party as Dominic Raab does on feminism, looked a lost soul. "What is the government’s plan to save the Cally?" he asked ... which was clearly a fishing expedition for tips on how to save his disintegrating party.
In the end, there was only one man selfless enough to throw himself into the lion’s den and bring up not only Brexit, but indyref2 as well – and that man was, as always, Willie Rennie.
He stood tall and proud from behind his wee desk and announced, "The momentum is with us". (That’s the Remain campaign, folks. Not the Scottish LibDems.) He declared: "The chances of stopping Brexit are higher than ever." He went on to accuse the First Minister of not really caring about stopping Brexit or having a People’s Vote.
To listen to Willie Rennie, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Vince Cable was in No 10, that the House of Commons had the numbers to push through a second referendum and that all Nicola Sturgeon has to do is click her fingers and Rennie would have his People’s Vote dream come true.
"He thinks that Brexit will be a disaster. He also thinks that Scotland should just have to accept that disaster and become a passive casualty of it. I think Scotland should have the choice of a different future," the First Minister said.
Undeterred, Willie Rennie then brought up a woman named Edna, who he said the First Minister wrote a letter to and sent to his house.
This is the point where FMQs went off track, as MSPs and the viewing public were left wondering: Who is Edna? How does Willie Rennie know her? Is she a Yesser?
"BE POSITIVE" cooed Rennie, "COME WITH ME!" Sorry Willie, but nobody is going anywhere with you until you tell us what happened to Edna.
When the First Minister stopped laughing, she pointed out that Willie Rennie seemed to be underestimating the risk of a no-deal Brexit.
"I am not prepared to let Scotland sink with this ship."
Throughout this final exchange, Willie Rennie was wearing his trademark grin. Perhaps he really does believe that a People’s Vote is just around the corner.
Or maybe he was just remembering happy times he shared with the mysterious Edna. We’ll never know.
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