AS expected, Ruth Davidson’s return from maternity leave was trailed with the sort of dispassionate cool headedness that we’ve grown to expect from right-wing male commentators.

"Mummy is home", cooed one – presumably while sucking his thumb. "Ruth Davidson is coming for Nicola Sturgeon’s crown/throne/SNP lanyard" declared the others.

As she gave a triumphant victory-lap around the television studios she was grilled hard on her policies, her party’s shambolic handling of Brexit and the many contradictory statements she has made in the past while on their very programmes.

Just kidding, she was mostly asked the usual variations of "Just how bad are the SNP?’’ and "How much of a disaster would independence be?" There were of course the obligatory enquiries about how Davidson felt being a new mother and whether her baby is "good".

Of course he’s good. He’s a baby for Christ sake. What response were they expecting?

"Actually, he’s doing my head in, Sandra. He loves his baby box and he keeps smiling at people wearing Yes badges." So after all the fanfare, FMQs began and we were anticipating the performance of a lifetime from Davidson. The clouds would part and James Kelly would crack a smile for the first time this year. Ruth Davidson is the Beyoncé of Scottish politics and we would all bow down to her undeniable greatness.

There was no outward sign that, as suggested, Nicola Sturgeon was quaking in her boots at her old foe’s return, but maybe she was feart on the inside. Somewhere deep down. Deep, deep down. Below her fears about how well the UK would do at Eurovision and whether she’d remembered to switch the kitchen light off.

After Davidson’s embarrassing conference mix-up, which saw the rehearsal of her big speech streamed into the press room where she could be heard saying she’d rather not mention the EU elections, it came as no surprise that she swerved Brexit entirely on her first day back.

Knowing that the average age of a Scottish Tory voter is 107, she went with a question on the opportunities for young people when they leave school.

"Does the First Minister accept that what she describes as a positive destination for school leavers may be no such thing?" She accused the Scottish Government of letting down students and said too many students were leaving with no qualifications whatsoever.

"We want to see all our young people go into not just positive destinations, but meaningful destinations. That means further education, further training or a good and meaningful job." replied Nicola Sturgeon "I may have been away for six months" said Ruth Davidson – in case we’d forgotten – "but the format hasn’t changed" and she said the First Minister wasn’t answering the question she was asked.

She went on to ask whether Nicola Sturgeon would commit to introducing a skills participation age of 18 and it was at this point that the First Minister whipped out a prop, which is always sure to liven FMQs up a bit.

Brandishing the latest Scottish Tory EU election letter sent out to households she asked why, if this new policy was so important to Ruth Davidson, she failed to mention it once in the letter that referenced independence multiple times and the First Minister herself, twelve times.

"I thank her for the free publicity" said Nicola Sturgeon "but there’s not one single policy idea". It is a common criticism of the Scottish Tories that they are a one-trick party who’s unique selling point is that they can fit their entire manifesto into a single tweet.

I regret to inform you that it is so much worse than that. Ruth Davidson might struggle for policies, but at least she used to be good for a gag or a daft photo. Sadly, those days are now long gone, because the media keep claiming she is a First Minister-in-waiting and now she believes her own hype.

And so, dear readers, I would like to introduce you to Ruth Davidson 2.0. The photos of her riding on the back of a bull will quickly be replaced with sepia-filtered shots of her loitering outside Bute House looking serious – and desperately hoping to be taken seriously.