PRE-ORDER now in time for Hallowe’en, and give your friends a scare with a full-head Andrew Bridgen mask! Guaranteed to bring a shiver of terror to any party (especially the Conservative Party), this high-quality guising gear perfectly recreates the facial features of the Member of Parliament allegedly dubbed “thick as mash” by his own colleagues.

Made from 100% recycled vegetable peelings, this spookily accurate headgear is bound to chill the blood of Remain and Leave voters alike, and not just because of its powerful urine-like odour.

Scarier than the prospect of no deal followed by a Tory leadership contest, the deluxe version comes complete with a push-button voice box that alternates between a booming “Leave Means Leave”, a selection of blatant lies, and a witch’s cackle (NB batteries not included).

Only 20 euros or 350 Great British pounds, plus postage and packing (customs restrictions may apply – order now to ensure delivery by October 31).

Keen to give your friends and family nightmares, but not yet convinced the MP for North West Leicestershire is the best choice of costume? For an extra £9.99 you can upgrade to the European Research Group Double Trouble Package – comprising a pair of glasses and a copy of The Daily Telegraph – and seamlessly transform yourself into Mark Francois, MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, halfway through the evening.

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The deputy chairman of the ERG is a “true democrat” with “bravado and conviction”, according to one breathless columnist for that publication, who inexplicably seems to believe that losing a televised staring contest to Will Self is sufficient qualification for the role of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

This pair of interchangeable brunettes might be less visually striking than certain other Brexiteers, but blonde fright wigs, Harry Potter glasses and double-breasted suits are so Halloween 2018, don’t you think?

And while Tweedledum.2 and Tweedledee.2 may look fairly innocuous, don’t be fooled – they are even more terrifyingly determined. Not for them caving in and compromising to get a deal over the line – it’s their way or the highway to Hell (which are in fact both the same thing).

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But sticking for now with the man known as “spud-u-hate” behind his back and a “disloyal twerp” to his face, former vegetable seller Brigden was until recently best known for complaining that MPs weren’t paid enough, arguing that this was putting off high-quality candidates who didn’t want their children’s Christmases to be blighted by poverty.

Clearly the paltry salary of £65,738 wasn’t enough to deter this particular high-quality candidate – who’s been described as “75% idiot” by a fellow Brexiteer, according to The Guardian – from successfully standing for election in 2010.

But then he did once manage to rack up close to £25,000 in hotel-bill expenses in a single year, so while his offspring may have felt the pinch, he was presumably feeling the soft embrace of freshly plumped pillows.

It must have been nice for him to bed down in a swish hotel room after a hard day’s work at Parliament, far away from the urine-like stench of any rotting vegetables.

Behind-the-scenes bitching by warring Tories is one thing, but it’s not the only evidence we have that Mr Bridgen might not have read his copy of Brexit for Dummies very closely.

For all of his confident assertions about the will of the people – and their supposed desire for the UK to slam on the accelerator and proceed over a no-deal cliff – he doesn’t seem to be entirely clear about some other things. Like facts.

When Hallowe’en rolls around, you can get into character as the Bridgemeister by pranking your pals, old-school style. Simply ring them up and assure them that all British citizens are entitled to apply for Irish passports and can remain

in the EU post-Brexit, just like Bridgen did on BBC 5 Live last October. If anyone questions the accuracy of such a claim, simply shout “trick or treat!”, hang up, then head round to their house armed with a dozen eggs and several rolls of toilet paper.

Speaking of toilets, in the interests of fairness it should be pointed out that AB Produce, the family firm of which Bridgen was a director, is no longer causing quite the stink it used to.

Neighbours of the company’s vegetable processing plant complained for years to no avail about the pee-like pong from two “lagoons” at the site, but when the Environment Agency threatened the Bridgen brothers with the loss of their licence, they got around to cleaning up their act. Alas, it’s beyond the powers of that particular body to regulate the bullshit coming out of anyone’s mouth.

There’s no masking the truth that the Tory party is tearing itself apart, with talk of indicative no-confidence votes plummeting us further into farce.

Here’s hoping that by November, the likes of Bridgen have faded back into the lagoon of obscurity where they belong.