THERE was no mention of Brexit in the opening questions to the First Minister.

Perhaps the speech from the Prime Minister yesterday evening was ringing in the ears of MSPs.

Speaking in her usual monotone – with a splash of faux-anger added for flavour – May elevated her withdrawal agreement to the status of an ancient holy text; a treasured and sacred document that will curse those who don’t offer it their unflinching devotion.

MSPs kept to constituency matters for fear of unleashing the horrors embedded within its pages. It would take a hero to acknowledge the rampaging elephant in the room. A person of unflinching bravery. Somebody who has previously battled the orange overlord himself – Donald Trump – through the medium of a Monty Python meme.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Enter: Patrick Harvie.

Harvie criticised May’s speech and for the way in which she portrayed parliamentarians as the enemy of the people. After describing the truly historic shambles Scotland is being forced to suffer through, he said: “It’s why we need our independence”.

He then pressed Sturgeon to set out a timetable for indyref2.

“WHEN??” he asked.

Well, that’s the million Scottish-pound question.

READ MORE: First Minister hints at indyref2 update 'in next few days' during FMQs

Sturgeon agreed that the Prime Minister’s remarks were “deeply irresponsible”.

“She wanted to blame everybody except herself,” she added.

And with that, the First Minister referred to her Big Black Book of Westminster Screw-Ups and listed May’s failures during the Brexit process so far.

It took a while.

On independence, she said: “Even the most ardent Unionist must see that the way we are governed by Westminster is broken”.

She stressed that we need to wait and see how the Brexit omnishambles develops and what emerges in the coming days: “Even if the only clarity is that there is no clarity”.

(Tenner bet on no clarity.)

“The status quo is broken,” declared the First Minister. Along with our hopes, dreams, sleep-patterns and livers.

Harvie listed all the times the Scottish Parliament has been ignored in the Brexit process.

It took a while.

He then mentioned the unmentionable. The Thing That Shall Not Be Named. The idea that provokes more revulsion in Tories than the promise from wannabe-prime ministers that they would push the button and use nuclear weapons. He said – blasphemed, really – that revoking Article 50 would be a better idea than food and medicine shortages.

READ MORE: People are pointing out the big lie in this Tory MP’s tweet

In a windowless bunker, somewhere deep in the bowels of Downing Street, Theresa May could be heard falling off her chair.

Willie Rennie was up next, and he was Very Concerned.

“THIS IS A NATIONAL CRISIS,” he told us. The FM agreed.

“IT’S GOING TO BE A DISASTER,” he said. The FM agreed.

“We need a PEOPLE’S VOTE,” he reminded us. The FM agreed.


Wait…what? Rennie helpfully explained that while a People’s Vote is the UK’s best route out of this chaos, indyref2 is a route into chaos for Scotland.

Maybe we should just rename indyref2 a “People’s Vote” since the only second referendums Rennie seems to approve of are ones with clever branding. Discussion then moved on to the worst bit of political branding in recent memory.

Operation Yellowhammer.

This is the Government’s game-plan for what happens if we crash out of the EU with no deal (ie, when the riots begin), and lentils become currency. Google tells me that a Yellowhammer is a tiny wee bird that lives in the woods. It’s far too inoffensive and cute to be associated with a no-deal Brexit.

Why not Operation We’re-All-Doomed-Except-Rich-Tories? Operation Clusterf***?

Or maybe something more quintessentially British, like Brexit itself. Operation English Sparkling-Whine.