Kevin McKenna: Why it's time for the SNP to put the screws on McEleny

Some may feel that the locution “worked wonders” is stretching it a bit when deployed within the context of Scotland’s vivid and towsy history. Perhaps, but we had dozens of kings and queens like most other top countries and the finest playwright and dramatist the world has ever known dedicated his most famous work to one of them.

Scotland also managed to feed and clothe the majority of her citizens during the 1707-year pre-Union period without having to raid other countries’ possessions or subjugate their peoples. When our aristocrats got a bit restless or sought to enrich themselves further they tended mainly to fill their boots at the expense of other aristocrats or foment the odd rebellion against a dodgy monarch. They didn’t send gunboats and armies halfway round the world to pick off weak countries and prey on their natural resources.

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When we did want to slake our belligerence or aggression we did so in an inclusive and diverse way by hiring ourselves out as soldiers of fortune to many of Europe’s great warrior princes. No war, internal struggle or political argy-bargy in Europe was considered off-limits by Scottish soldiers in a pleasing early manifestation of our characteristic non-racist and open-minded approach to global geo-politics.

My own favourite was the Battle of Good Friday in Uppsala, Sweden, in April 1520. This was part of a war between Swedish and Danish aristocrats about the troubled union between these two countries. At Uppsala, Denmark fielded an army of 6000 made up mainly of mercenaries, of whom the biggest contingent was Scottish.

The Danes were victorious but only at the cost of about a third of her army. During Denmark’s famous double-header World Cup qualifier triumph over Sweden in 2009 (two 1-0 victories courtesy of goals by Kahlenberg and Poulsen) I’m told their fans could be heard invoking the spirit of Uppsala. And in 1972 Scotland’s own footballers, our modern-day warriors, staged a touching re-enactment of their ancestors’ military escapades on Danish soil in a late-night bar incident.

It followed a Denmark v Scotland World Cup qualifier and the footballers involved in the bevvy-fuelled shenanigans wrote themselves into the nation’s military folklore to become known as the Copenhagen Five.

Certainly, I’m occasionally driven mad by some of the sanctimonious, moral busybodies of the SNP but these exist at many levels in all political parties. Indeed such an approach could be considered an important prerequisite for seeking a career in politics in the first place. Most of them, though, tend to be cheery and good-hearted souls who simply want us to be a decent wee country that’s open to all.

Why, the SNP was even prepared to indulge one of its most prominent members being employed by the UK’s notorious Ministry of Defence. This secretive and controversial organisation tends to split opinion wherever it’s found to operate (and you can be sure that for each place it’s known to operate there are another five locations as yet unknown).

Until 2016 Chris McEleny, a member of the SNP group on Inverclyde Council, was employed by the shady and militaristic MoD at HM Naval Base Clyde, home to the UK’s nuclear provocation, I mean deterrent. Pleasingly, Mr McEleny was employed there in the relatively non-combative role of electrician, although the councillor has yet to reveal if he ever had to renew the spark plugs or sort out the plug sockets on any of the nuclear submarines. I think we should be told.

So, here we have, to all intents and purposes, a polite and sincere young politician who was nevertheless happy to put his God-given gifts at the disposal of a military superpower stockpiling weapons of mass destruction that could bomb us all back to a medieval existence or at least the 1520 Battle of Uppsala. Whatever was the councillor thinking?

On the other hand, however, I think the SNP has displayed a mature and responsible attitude here. Not only is it happy to have Cllr McEleny as an elected member of one of Scotland’s major local government jurisdictions, it also permitted him to put his name forward in the contest for depute leader last year. And, well ... you just never know: if a future independent Scotland were ever to get involved in any major, nuclear, intercontinental skirmish then Cllr McEleny’s skills as a spark on a nuclear facility could come in handy.

SNP councillor and former depute leadership candidate Chris McEleny

Contrast the SNP’s grown-up and sensible approach to McEleny’s choice of employer with the MoD’s backward and childish attitude.

As soon as it discovered that this employee had made a speech at an SNP conference in 2012 it began to keep tabs on him. This resulted in them restricting his security clearance which in turn forced McEleny to resign and pursue a case against the MoD on the grounds of discrimination.

That case will now go ahead after a judge dismissed MoD arguments that McEleny’s belief in an independent Scotland was not a philosophical position and thus couldn’t be protected by anti-prejudice legislation.

Bizarrely, it also emerged that Cllr McEleny was interrogated by MoD officials about his social and political views. During this grilling it became clear that these military officials seemed to have a very curious obsession with matters pertaining to Ireland and the circumstances of the administration and liquidation of Rangers Football Club. Being a chap of Irish heritage and being keen to explore the roots of his Irish heritage, Cllr McEleny’s social media footprint was discovered in, wait for it, some websites pertaining to Irish political and social history.

I now hope that, once Cllr McEleny’s employment hearing is safely out of the way, the SNP will set themselves to the task of interrogating him too.

After several years of involvement in Britain’s war machine even the most stout-hearted and reasonable person would be at risk of psychological contamination, let alone a humble and peaceful chiel such as our Inverclyde councillor.

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During this interview I’d be looking for evidence of suspicious-looking walking motions and I’d be checking his wardrobe for bowler hats and boating blazers.

Has he secretly taken up flute lessons? Has he been going on secret paint-balling and roast marshmallow weekend manoeuvres in the hills above Greenock with his local Territorial Army unit? Are there any memberships of exclusive drinking clubs and does he have a non-agricultural interest in farmyard animals?

I believe Cllr McEleny has a very bright future in the SNP but if there are any skeletons in his cupboard arising from lengthy exposure to the UK’s sinister weapons programme I think they need to be flushed out. And then we can send him to one of the SNP’s re-education facilities in North Lanarkshire to be re-programmed. Pip Pip ...