HELL-O and welcome to your induction session! My name is Lucifer and I’ll be your guide today. Please make sure your red lanyards and visitor passes are on display at all times. We don’t want you getting lost, or imprisoned here for all eternity – not yet anyway! Haha!

Usually at this point we’d have a video presentation showing visitors what to expect if they earn permanent residence status in this hostile – I mean hospitable – environment, but we’ve been experiencing some technical problems today. It seems there are gremlins in the system – which is a concern because the gremlins are supposed to be confined to circle eight.

But not to worry. Usually we’d hang around here in limbo for at least a few hours to give you an authentic feel for the place, but I understand you have some rather pressing business to get back to in the UK, so I’ll speed things up a bit.

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Mr Johnson, can I ask you to pop this harness on please?

You’ll be travelling to our next stop by zip wire while the rest of us will be flying with Trident Airlines. Be sure to close the overhead lockers securely – we wouldn’t want a strategically placed suitcase full of poisonous snakes falling on anyone. The seat belt signs will remain on while we pass through a spot of turbulence – on your left you can see the former Foreign Secretary being violently buffeted by a storm, and on your right is a mass of Great British would-be profiteers, who stockpiled fruit and vegetables too early and are now stewing in their own rotten juices.

Mr Rees-Mogg, please report to the luggage carousel to pick up two massive bags of money. Gosh, that was quick – I’ve never seen anyone move so fast without bending their knees.

Ah, but no, you can’t use a trolley. Now that you’ve collected them you’ll have to push them around with your chest. One represents all the personal wealth you’ve hoarded, the other the vast sums of public money you’ve bullied the government into squandering on Brexit contingency planning. Oh, and here come some other misers and spendthrifts to hurl their bags at you in a battle that will last for all eternity. Looks like they’ve spent as many hours in the gym as you have cooking up worthless “compromises”. Good luck!

We’ll be taking a boat to our next beastly spot – I mean beauty spot – but don’t worry, there’s no need for life jackets. We don’t go in for any of that health and safety red tape nonsense down here, and in any case you’ll all be buoyed by your optimism about Britain taking back control in the very near future.

The National:

Hang on though, don’t start deliberately rocking the boat. Mr Thomson, sit down at once! What’s the matter with you? Yes, I know you don’t agree with Mrs May’s plan but there’s absolutely no need to start behaving in such an outrageous … and, he’s overboard.

I’m afraid we’ll have to leave him and the rest of the swamp-dwellers lot to their in-fighting and carry on towards the flaming tombs – I mean the hot springs – where non-believers are encouraged to detoxify.

Complimentary spa treatments are available to all who require them: choose from walking over hot coals, a spin class in 400-degree heat or a full-body massage with a branding iron. Leave with “Brexit means Brexit” burnt into your forehead and buttocks and you’ll never be tempted from the path of truth again. Any takers?

Our region is well known for its biodiversity and is home to many endangered species. If you’re lucky you might catch a glimpse of a minotaur as we make our way to the next stop. Mind your footing on these rocks as we head down to its natural habitat. Keep your voices low and don’t make any sudden … MR FABRICANT! STOP WAVING THAT SNAKE AROUND YOUR HEAD! Do you have a death wish? Let’s move on at a sprinting pace to our penultimate destination. Don’t look back – it’s not a pretty scene.

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Once you’ve all got your breath back we’ll be boarding the hop-on, hop-off mystery tour bus. Where it stops, nobody knows. Will we be headed over a cliff, or laughing all the way to the bank to pick up £350 million a week?

Please be aware that the last branch in Hell only issues Scottish notes, and these are not accepted in any of the many pharmacies selling gauze, painkillers and antibiotic ointment for the treatment of first-degree burns. Please also note your E111 health insurance cards are invalid. Oh, and those lanyards are coated in arsenic.

Mrs Leadsom, please stay with the group! No, we can’t visit that area – it’s reserved for women who don’t help other women. Yes, I appreciate you’re keen to have a chat with Maggie but remember you claimed you’d been misinterpreted when you said you had “a very real stake” in the future of the country because, unlike Theresa May, you had children?

Here we are at the end of the tour – it’s a bit chilly out here are the lake but you’ve all been preparing for the UK to be left out in the cold so I assume you’ve brought your hats and scarves? This is where the enemies of the people end up. The traitors, betrayers and oath-breakers. You’ll be feeling glad you haven’t broken any promises, or done anything at all to betray those you represent.

Mrs May, are you feeling alright? You look like death.