The National:

IN the olden days the Tories used to reward their donors with knighthoods and peerages.

Chuck John Major a few quid, and you could spend the rest of your life in ermine, eating subsidised swan and caviar in the House of Lords cafeteria, getting called “m’lord” or “m’lady”.

But things aren’t what they once were.

With local elections coming up in England in May, the party are putting out the begging bowl, and the offer to big money donors isn't as flash.

In an email to supporters, Gove warns the party faithful that the traitorous bastards in Labour are actually trying to win votes.

“It’s a fact,” he warns, “Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party have more staff on the ground than we do.

“They’ve recruited over 70 full-time campaigners – to help them win the local elections in May.

“And with a majority of their campaigners based outside London, it’s clear what Labour are doing.

“They’re targeting our most important seats.”

Gove asks supporters to consider becoming “Gold members” and donating £50 a month. To tempt them he offers a signed copy of his “latest despatch box statement”.

Haud. Me. Back.

Anyway. We’re sure this email asking for donations for “campaign managers” is purely because of the local elections. Definitely not for any other reason – like, maybe, a general election...