YESTERDAY’S Black Friday sales heralded the start of our annual rage-shopping season. December hasn’t even begun, but we will now be bombarded with pressure to empty our wallets up until we collapse in an exhausted heap shortly after the January sales.

READ MORE: What is Black Friday and how can I avoid the chaos?

I get grief every year for putting my Christmas tree up too early. My defence is that if I’ve got to sit through endless advertising and the nauseating John Lewis advert in November (spoiler – buy a piano and your children could become the next Elton John) then I’m going to offset that misery with aspects of Christmas I enjoy, such as twinkling lights and candles that smell like Santa’s aftershave.

As we head into December, our winter diet of crippling consumerism and Aldi’s own brand Irish Cream will see tempers frayed. Forget what they told you about the independence referendum – nothing destroys families and friendships more than the horror of Christmas shopping.

Given that Brexit is hurtling us towards a catastrophe and bully boys Putin and Trump are one square go away from destroying the planet, maybe we should just opt out this year? Let’s enjoy what little time we have left rather than frittering it away brawling over unicorn pyjamas in Primark.

With that in mind, here’s your handy cut-out-and-keep guide to achieving December joy. It should be undertaken with all the defiance of a crabbit Scottish public that has had enough.

Eat

Resist the urge to put festive-branded “extra special” products in your basket. It’s the same stuff they sell all year round, only it’s 50p dearer. Instead, spend December gorging on all the foods of your childhood that were proven to cure any ailment. Heartbreak? Have some mince and tatties. Chickenpox? Here’s some homemade soup. Sad about being stuck in a union that has Theresa May at the helm? Try Maree Todd’s tablet recipe.

Drink

The alcohol industry capitalises on the hell of December by pushing booze on us for self-medication purposes. In view of the minimum pricing legislation and Scotland’s efforts to rid ourselves of our heavy-drinking reputation: say NO to a month-long tipple.

Instead, enjoy the challenge of sourcing some old-recipe Irn Bru. Rediscover the malty joy of Ovaltine. Be that unbearably smug pal who tries to indoctrinate others into a healthy lifestyle by spreading the virtues of green smoothies.

If you do partake in the odd cocktail, then enjoy it somewhere where there is a comfortable seat and table service. Don’t be conned into drinking a seven-quid glass of mulled wine at an outdoor Christmas market for the “experience”. It’s always less enjoyable than it looks.

Be Merry

Over the month ahead we’ll be assaulted with unrealistic scenes of Christmas perfection. Of roaring log fires and suspiciously happy children cavorting in the snow, instead of screaming at each other about the fair rules of a snowball fight.

Kirstie Allsopp will aim to teach us plebs how we can have a “homemade Christmas”. She’ll boldly assume you have the energy and enough money in the bank to while away days knitting your own wreath and blowing glass to make a vase to gift your little darling’s Mandarin tutor.

Nigella follows shortly after, knuckle deep in a pistachio and Wagyu beef stuffing that will be sure to impress any Cabinet ministers that might pop round for supper.

Women’s magazines will be filled with to-do lists on how to manage your time effectively so that your rosy-cheeked family will have a perfect and memorable Christmas season. If you’re lucky, you might even secure some coveted “me-time’’ so you can make an appointment to have the hair ripped from your upper lip with hot wax.

You’ve earned it, babes.

This is all part of the great December con. Perhaps this year we should all admit that aspirations towards perfection are harmful, and that we’re all just muddling through.

Inevitably, children will whine and parents will get stressed. It’s unlikely many of us will find the time to create Hollywood-worthy scenes of bliss and winter contentment. You are more likely to catch a viral infection at this year’s Christmas party than meet your future partner.

The good news is we’re all in it together. Embrace the chaos. Don’t be that visitor that expects a fully stocked drinks cabinet and beautifully presented “nibbles” upon your arrival.

Agree with your second cousin once removed that this year you won’t bother buying gifts for each other. Ignore any advice on “tasteful” Christmas decorating.

Life is bleak enough without the middle-class style brigade taking away our “Santa Stop Here” signs.

Be merry. Stay away from the shops on Saturdays. Cuddle more.

If you’re doing well, help others as best you can.

Above all: breathe.

After all, you’ve got a whole week to December-proof your life.