BY the time you read this, Scotland’s one-man hard Brexit campaign will have made his Question Time debut. As I write, I’m microwaving the popcorn, preparing my Ross Thomson bingo card and hoping this could be the start of something big for our man in the north-east.

Something big that takes him well away from politics, that is.

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Surely that must be the long-term plan – clown around for a few years, grab a few headlines with batty pronouncements about domestic appliances and foreign marine life, then make a seamless switch to a lucrative telly career. The only alternative is that the Tory MP for Aberdeen South genuinely believes that he is the man best suited to representing the views of the 1.3 million Scots who voted to leave the EU. This despite the fact that just a month ago he released a bizarre video of himself spouting Better Together lines and munching provocatively on teacakes in his Union-flag-bedecked office to celebrate the fourth anniversary of the No vote.

So which producers are likely to come knocking following last night’s prime-time audition? That perhaps depends on whether Ross was given the opportunity to put forward his strongest pro-Brexit argument – the one that really sucks.

You see, Ross isn’t worried about jobs, or food supplies, or passport queues – he’s concerned about the state of your carpets. The evil EU last year banned the sale of vacuum cleaners with motors more powerful than 900W, no doubt as part of a cunning plan to sabotage sales of Great British products such as Hobnobs, Ginger Nuts and Mini Cheddars. Crumbs!

Luckily, the noble Ross seeks to defend your right to eat whatever you like – while standing awkwardly in your office filming a vlog, without using so much as a paper plate or napkin – and not worry about cleanliness.

The National:

Obviously your cleaner will be coming in after you depart for the night, but if her equipment isn’t up to the task you’ll be forced to fire her, which means it’s staying in the EU that’s the threat to jobs, not crashing out in a chaotic fashion while screaming “biscuits means biscuits!” at anyone who dares to offer you a croissant. A presenting slot on a revamped version of How Clean Is Your House? surely beckons for clean-freak Ross – just as long as he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty himself.

The career path established by the show’s former presenter Kim Woodburn involves subsequently entering the Celebrity Big Brother house, alienating all the other housemates, and calling them arseholes, shitbags and chinless wonders. Surely this wouldn’t be a huge stretch for Thomson, who has already condemned his 12 Scottish Tory Commons housemates for backing Theresa May’s Chequers plan, and clapped back at those in his party who put into motion Operation Arse in a bid to stop Boris Johnson becoming prime minister.

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Ah, Boris Johnson, the snake in a fright wig who got his own big break as a TV punchline then gradually shed his skin to reveal a deadly serious operator. He could teach his imitators a thing or two, if only he would acknowledge their existence when they’re standing right behind him, breathing down his neck, filling the corridor with the sickly scent of chocolate and marshmallow.

It’s clear fan-boy Ross would slither through fields of wheat just to lick Boris’s boots, so if all else fails he’s surely guaranteed a slot on next year’s season of The Apprentice. Perhaps they could introduce a new challenge in which the clueless contestants head to Japan to negotiate trade deals – or pop to Iraq to haggle over the price of Saddam Hussein’s old thrones in between staged scenes of forced banter and pieces to camera about how they all want to throw the project manager into a war grave.

If these shows all sound a little too low-stakes to win a ratings war, how about combining two of Ross’s biggest passions: making a twat of himself, and man-eating fish?

Twitter users were left scratching their heads during the summer when the MP responded to news that new shark species might be approaching the UK with a smiley face and a thumbs up. Many assumed they were being fooled by a parody account, given that the story was reporting one of the effects of devastating global climate change, but it turns out that Ross is a big fan of sharks.

He claims that if he wasn’t an MP he’d be a marine biologist specialising in working with great whites – surely it’s not beyond the resources of ITV to create a spin-off series, I’m A Celebrity … Get the Sharks in Here! To be absolutely clear, I’m not saying it would be a good thing if Ross Thomson was bitten by a shark in the name of entertainment. I’m merely observing that he seems to be asking for it.

It’s not only big fish that get the thumbs up from the permanently grinning Ross – wee dugs are another of his passions, and animal welfare tends to be the focus when he stops mucking about with snack foods and gets on with his day job. The father-of-one (Jack Russell/Yorkshire terrier cross) has said that if he were prime minister for a day he would pass a law permitting everyone to take their dogs to work, every day – but added that he has no ambition to become PM because it would take him aways from his beloved Poppy for too long.

So perhaps the ideal TV role for this attention-seeker is as a presenter of Crufts. After all, four days a years of looking at him is probably the most we can stomach.