Dear Angry,

I believe it’s about time we had a chat about the BBC – or, as I like to call it, the British Brainwashing Corporation. I think the fact that this state broadcaster displays such blatant and shameless bias in its reporting of numerous issues – particularly Scottish independence – is deeply embarrassing. In my assessment, the BBC is nothing but state-funded propaganda designed to cover up, or at least sugar-coat, the crimes of the British Government. If only the Tories sitting in power were given the same level of scrutiny that the SNP have had to suffer for years, eh? There is no doubt in my mind that the licence fee should be scrapped and the BBC’s prejudiced, pro-Westminster reporting brought to a swift and decisive end.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to encourage your readers to watch the Alex Salmond Show on Russia Today. I honestly I cannot wait to see what this incredibly handsome, well-endowed, intelligent, sexy and progressive man says from this principled and dignified platform. Some might say that a former leader of a country reducing himself to being a talk show host could be considered cringeworthy or flat-out lame. However, those people are obviously all unionists and should be ignored entirely. Russia Today knows talent when it sees it, and the Alex Salmond Show is going to be the flagship of its fleet of trustworthy, impartial and tasteful television programmes!


Aleksandr, Moscow


Dear Aleksandr,

The Alex Salmond Show (or ASS) has really taken a spanking in the press. Now, while there is no question that the ASS will be big, I do think some of us need to ask ourselves if the ASS is in the right place and if we want to be associated with this ASS at all. A production of Slainte Media, a company put together by Mr Salmond and former actress and SNP MP Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikh, the show is ostensibly a chat show. However, by selecting Russia Today as its host channel, the programme has firmly placed itself at the heart of controversy. Incredibly, the former First Minister of Scotland is now joining the likes of conspiracy junkie Jesse Ventura, alleged two-time woman molester Julian Assange and Sandyhook shooting denier Alex Jones as an RT regular. This is not to say that Salmond is in any way as deranged as the aforementioned, but taking such a position will offer his long-time critics plenty of ammunition.

As most of us know, the primary purpose of Russia Today is to stop people realising what’s happening in Russia today. The bulk of the channel’s programming is centred on criticising Western governments in an effort to destabilise them, while also drawing attention away from Russia’s abundant domestic problems. This is a state broadcaster run from the Kremlin; it’s backed by a Russian Government which does not share many of Scotland’s progressive views – particularly in regard to the treatment of the LGBT community. Moreover, Russia is actively attempting to stop numerous countries within its borders achieving independence. None of this would seem to synchronise with Mr Salmond’s past political ambitions.

However, it is fair to say that much of the criticisms levelled against RT can also be levelled against the BBC. As is well documented, I am steadfastly against the notion of the UK TV licence. I actually turned down the opportunity to feature in BBC documentaries on the indyref because I didn’t think it was right to aid their productions while attacking the ethics of their entire organisation on Twitter. The BBC, much like RT, may produce the occasional gem, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t believe in state broadcasters on principle. To endeavour to improve the ratings of such an outlet would effectively be against my moral code – which is admittedly pretty loose as it is. Rather than saying “RT is fine because the BBC is also bad”, I’m of the view that both of these organisations are equally wrong.

In the end, I think Mr Salmond simply chose Russia Today because he knew the press backlash would give the show heaps of free promotion in the news media. Even Nicola Sturgeon’s evident disliking of his choice of channel has simply made the programme more of a must-see. After all, there is no such thing as bad publicity.

That said – will I be watching? I believe that will depend greatly on the content. Drawing attention to Russian controversies would certainly go a long way to giving the show the credibility it needs to silence its critics.

As a former world leader, Mr Salmond doesn’t just need to be entertaining; he needs to be honourable too. Deploying only one of these two attributes will render the ASS broken, but combining them together will make the ASS whole.