A POTENTIALLY pure dynamite document has fallen into my hands marked Top Secret which appears to have been issued by the BBC top brass in London. I have handed it over to a security contact of mine who, along with 10,000 other people who claim to have been former members of Britain’s Special Forces, was present at the Iranian Embassy siege in 1979. This chap is expert at both sniffing out forgeries as well as creating them for which latter purpose he has been on the Daily Telegraph’s payroll for decades. In this era of fake news you can never be too careful about so-called leaked documents.

Nevertheless I here reprint it in full so that you can make up your own minds. The document is simply headed: “Guidelines for senior political reporting staff in ensuring that we get the right result on June 8”.


MY dear chaps (and chapettes), as you all know the BBC’s Editorial Guidelines oblige us all (yawn): “To be fair to all — fair to those our output is about, fair to contributors, and fair to our audiences.” BBC content should be based on respect, openness and straight dealing. We also have an obligation under the Ofcom Broadcasting Code to “avoid unjust or unfair treatment of individuals or organisations in programmes”.

Now listen here chaps; we’re all mature adults and obviously there is a certain degree of elasticity in the above statement. If there wasn’t then we’d all be reduced to unthinking automatons reading off an autocue script approved by the powers that be. And while that’s okay for our royal correspondents it’s jolly well not on for we who are in the business of preparing the news with a little bit of an edge.

Quite how anyone could reasonably suggest that our news and current affairs output is anything less than impartial and characteristic of the corporation’s highest levels of rectitude and integrity is beyond me. But we live in strange times when every Tom, Dick and Nigel feels he is entitled to appear on our shows and be treated as if he is the Prime Minister.

The concept of impartiality is all very fine and noble as far as it goes but in the real world the BBC must strive to uphold the highest values of Britishness while charting an uneasy course through the choppy waters between Jeremy Corbyn’s Scylla and Len McCluskey’s Charybdis. What I’m really saying here is that the stakes are high and if we all want to preserve our £150k per annum jobs then we need to ensure that the Government grants us charter renewal.

That government is certain to have Theresa May as its head after June 8 so, you know, let’s all understand what side our black olive and cracked pepper flatbreads are buttered on, if you catch my drift.

I mean, impartiality is all fine and dandy but no one reasonably expected us to be broadcasting unedited one-to-one interviews with Mr Hitler during WWII.

And anyway a jolly good source told me over drinks at the Carlton Club the other night that he’d been privy to a leaked document containing Corbyn’s plans for the BBC in the event of a Labour victory. As we all know our friends in MI6 have tipped us the wink that the bearded blighter was a keen aficionado of Worker’s Hour on Soviet Radio during the 1980s and has drawn up plans for a special Politburo of lefties and communist types like Michael Portillo to censor the BBC’s news output. So, don’t just take my word for it.

In view of what’s at stake in this election I’ve drawn up a list of suggestions on how we can subtly tweak the public consciousness to ensure that they don’t do anything silly.

1. When interviewing Theresa May sit forward attentively at all times and smile benignly. Tory Central Office have informed us that she is more likely to open up if she doesn’t feel threatened. On no account make any mention of the alleged electoral fraud involving a couple of dozen Tory MPs at the last election. And if you really must make mention of the tiresome subject of food banks then it’s best simply to accept Theresa’s sage observation that the reasons why there are so many these days are ‘complicated’ … which, of course, they are.

2. When interviewing Corbyn it’s vital to bear in mind that he is the upstart pretender and thus deserving of more intense scrutiny. Mention his Irish Republican paramilitary past when he embarked on a one-year long hunger strike in sympathy with the H-Block prisoners throughout 1981. The authenticity of those pictures of assorted Tory MPs with Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams has yet to be verified but they look suspiciously like they have been doctored by Corbyn’s media lieutenant Seamus Milne who, as everyone knows, fought for Pol Pot’s forces in Cambodia.

3. As everyone knows, Corbyn’s manifesto will be a chilling and apocalyptic vision of a 1970s strike-bound Britain in thrall to the TUC. His programme of nationalising everything that moves and giving working class crusties an inordinately large pension is the thin end of the (red) wedge. By all means refer to this as ‘red in tooth and claw’ at every opportunity. After all, his plans to tax the bejesus out of anyone earning £80k and above per annum will put intolerable stress on the BBC’s ‘Special Relationship’ with Eton, Harrow, Oxford and Cambridge.

4. I’ve always believed that nuance is everything and that it’s the little things that make a difference. Thus, when Theresa is making a commitment perhaps say that the Prime Minister “guarantees to create more jobs in a post-Brexit UK”. If Corbyn is taking one of his uncosted flights of fancy I’d suggest inserting words like ‘claims’ or ‘insists’ or ‘would have us believe’. The punters are not very sophisticated and won’t notice but it’ll insinuate itself imperceptibly into what passes for their brains.

5. If Andy Burnham is anywhere in the vicinity then try always to cut to a shot of him. He thinks he’s a male model and is now open about his contempt for Corbyn since he landed the Mayor of Manchester sinecure. In any event I’m told he fancies a Portilloesque gig at the BBC presenting a series about the finest delicatessens in Europe.

If anyone remains in any doubt as to what is required then our Political Editor has helpfully compiled a video of her in action since Corbyn became Labour leader. As you were, chaps …