THIS week Westminster had the ritual of the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement, when Phil the Hamster stands up before Parliament and stuffs his cheeks with the shredded papers of the UK’s IOUs. He does this in the hope that we won’t notice that the place is littered with droppings, the ones that the Tories have dropped us all in with their Brexit and their lack of a plan for it.

Oh that’s a lie. The Tories insist it’s just lefty media spinning to claim that they don’t have a plan for Brexit. They do so have a plan. It’s just that the plan largely consists of running around screaming in a blind panic with their underpants on their heads and trying to pretend that Boris Johnson is really a statesman.

Brexit means Brexit means Britain is financially ruined, and after 2020 spending on neither pensions nor health and social care will be ring-fenced. That was the real point of the statement.

Have you noticed how all those horrible things that the Better Together campaign warned us were going to happen if we voted Yes have happened anyway, even though Scotland voted No?

We’re getting dragged out of Europe. Ethnonationalism is running rampantly towards your actual fascism. The currency is falling faster than the attendees at an Orange Walk who’ve guzzled down several gallons of Buckie, and they’re now being consulted on British foreign policy post-Brexit. Then, in his Autumn Statement, Phil muttered that your granny’s pension is well and truly hamstered. And the NHS is being transformed into a branch of the immigration service that asks for cash up front.

Well, everything we were warned about has happened apart from the big robot machines physically dragging Scotland away from the rest of the UK, which figured in an unreleased Better Together freak video that came to light this week. Given everything else that’s happened, the big robot machines don’t seem like such a bad idea.

However, we’ve just been metaphorically dragged away from the rest of the UK instead. Or rather, Scotland stayed where it was but the rest of the UK was dragged away into an alt-right dystopia by freak-show Ukippers.

We shouldn’t call it the alt-right though, we should call its adherents what they are: adolescent racists who can’t get laid. That’s what Brexit is going to turn Britain into, the unpleasant adolescent of Europe that no-one else wants to get into bed with.

But don’t worry Scottish people, for all is well. The UK’s national debt might be the only thing that’s soaring, but Westminster is going to give us lots of lovely money which we can spend on trains and planes and automobiles, and on giving Ruth Davidson more things that she can blame on Humza Yousaf.

The Chancellor promised £800 million of funds for Scotland to spend on infrastructure. And this is how it’s going to go: firstly, we’ll be told that Westminster is giving us this money, and that it’s a sign of the munificence of Britishness and a reason why we shouldn’t consider doing things for ourselves. After all, we’re Scottish and we’ve already raided the back of the sofa for some coins to spend on some haggis pakora and a munchie box. So yay! Subsidies! Aren’t we lucky to have such a wunnerful Westminster to spoil us. We’d be lucky to scrape together enough to pay for the chips, never mind the kebab meat, the chicken and the onion rings.

But secondly comes the kicker. Westminster doesn’t actually have any extra cash to give to ingrates north of Berwick, and frankly it doesn’t care whether it takes two hours to get to Inverness from Perth on a donkey track that passes for a main road, because both places are well outside the M25. What’s happening is that Westminster is going to borrow the money, and then they’ll add the money that they don’t have on to the “spent on ungrateful Jocks” column of the GERS figures, inflating the amount that we get per head of population. The money will then be cited in a frothing and spittle-flecked article in the right-wing press about how Scotland is subsidised by the English taxpayer and how we should jolly well shut up and be grateful, instead of trying to point out that Scots have a different opinion on this exercise in national self-harm called Brexit.

And thirdly comes the kick in the teeth. After we have been told that the money was being given to us by a Westminster that really lurves us, we will in fact have to pay back the loan out of Scottish tax revenues. That’s those revenues real economists tell us are likely to be underestimated in the released figures.

Then the interest payments on the loan will be added to the deficit that Westminster tells us that Scotland has which is larger than any deficit in Europe, and the inflated deficit will be cited as evidence that Scotland is an economic basket case and how we couldn’t possibly manage financially by ourselves. Graphs will be produced to prove it.

It’s a win-win-win, for everyone except Humza Yousaf and the people of Scotland.